I should have been celebrating...

Alright. Enough of the funk. Yesterday was one full year without touching a cigarette. That, my friends, is a HUGE accomplishment. I should have spent my day bragging to all of you and being proud of myself, but nooo, not me. I had to be all defeated and sad and whiny. Well, I'm done. It may be a day late, but I AM CELEBRATING!

I was smoking almost two full packs a day last year before I quit. My mom had been in the hospital three times that year for Pneumonia, and was (and sadly still is) well on her way to emphysema. I was sitting in a chat room that I frequent in yahoo talking to some friends that morning, September 25, 2006, and at about 9am, I lit my last cigarette of the last pack I had. I complained in the room that now I had to go out in the rain to get a pack of cigarettes. One of the girls in the room piped up and said, "Now's a great time to quit."

Now, usually I would have shrugged that comment off, but something about it stuck in my head. She was absolutely right. If I never bought another pack of cigarettes, I'd never smoke another one. I could tell everyone that I was quitting and not to bum me any, and that would be it. So, I told everyone that I was quitting, took up crocheting to keep my hands busy, joined a website that sends you a daily e-mail reminder on ways to fight cravings, and, of course, made a counter for my Myspace, lol. Now, I will admit, it was hard. But those daily emails, and the accountability I had from everyone in that chat room cheering me on really helped me. I had to stay out of convenience stores for a long time. If I needed a drink, I went into the grocery store and hit the express lane, and I paid for gas at the pump so I didn't have to go in and see all those packs of cigarettes calling my name.

I got stressed out twice throughout the year and attempted to take a hit off of someone's cigarette. I gagged both times. I am now a non-smoker, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Now, if only I never had to eat again.....

Thanks for reading
Bean

Confessions...

Ok, so it's way early for me to be posting for the day I know, but I have some crap to fess up too. Last night I made spaghetti for dinner. No, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, that's a lie, I was thinking, it's late and I'm tired and this will be fast and the Hunny and Boo love it and I'll be fine....HA! I thought I could tackle regular pasta. Of course, I couldn't. I had way too much at dinner, and, to top it all off, at midnight last night, I ate Boo's leftovers that were in the fridge along with two pieces of WHITE bread, with butter :( Oh, and about 4 cookies, and a Jell-o pudding cup. See, there is a reason why white bread and regular pasta are the enemy. Thank God we were out of milk, cause that would've been a disaster.

I know part of the problem is that the stuff is in the house, but I am cheap, and I can't throw it out. I'm not buying anymore of it, we are switching to whole wheat pasta, but I can NOT waste it. Not with money as tight as it is. What I should've done was made them spaghetti, and only enough for them, no leftovers, and grilled myself some chicken and veggies.

Now, my midnight foray was a normal part of life before I started this blog(you didn't think I hit 350lbs by eating normally did you?). But, I haven't done it since I've started, till last night. I slept crappy, I had gotten used to sleeping without food in my tummy. It's amazing how much better you sleep when your body isn't trying to process junk. I added up my total calories for yesterday after my binge last night....3021. I want to cry. I've been doing so well, even with obstacles. It just makes me sad. I'll post more later. I have a feeling today is gonna be a doozy.

Thanks for reading
Bean

The Hunny's birthday weekend.

Well, well, well, it is Monday again, so here's the monster weekend update post, lol.


Saturday - Boo won his game Saturday morning - WOOHOO! I had to deal with the Jackass, but I'm used to it. I don't mind dealing with his half as much as I mind dealing with the thing he lives with. I have much disgust for this female. I call her that because nothing about her deserves the title woman. I'm still trying to think of a name for her other than what I usually refer to her as, since I am not comfortable typing that word on a public blog. For now I'll say It. It and I used to be very close friends. It is a big girl too, so we clicked right away. It was there when my son was born. It was my rock. Little did I know that It was fucking my husband the entire time we were married. Like I said, I have lots of disgust for her. When I finally wised up and kicked Jackass out, It decided to run to certain members of my family and tell them that I told her that she could have the Jackass and my son since I didn't want either of them. Those, my friends, were fighting words. I later found out that when she babysat my son when he was barely talking, that she taught him to call her Momma, so she could pass him off as hers while they were out. Now, the Jackass is exactly that, a jackass, and she can have him all to herself forever. Good riddance. But when It brought my son into it...that is unforgivable. Thats the short version, I'm sure I'll elaborate later.

After Boo's game, we headed out to his sisters. She lives about 2 hrs from here, so it's a long haul. We ended up not staying the night, Hunny didn't want to. Probably because I refuse to have sex with him when we are there 'cause we sleep in his 14yr old niece's room, and, well that's just creepy. His sis made spaghetti for dinner (OMG YUM!!!) and I ate it AND the garlic bread AND a piece of ice cream cake and I enjoyed it immensely. I actually didn't TOTALLY blow my calorie intake for the day either. It was on the high end, but not over. Woohoo me! (insert happy dance) AND, even after 4 hours total in the jeep, I still did 15 mins on the bike that night. I rock.


Sunday - We stayed in bed till almost noon. Ahh, the joy of having every other weekend kid-free!!! When we did drag our lazy butts out of bed, we sat and watched movies. Sunday afternoon we took movies back to Blockbuster, dropped of some bills in the mail, and did a tiny bit of grocery shopping, mainly just stuff for Hunny's lunches for the week. I did have a Grilled stuft burrito for lunch which was HORRID after I looked up the calories:(( I wanted to cry. It's okay though, everyone is allowed a screw-up now and then. Food was pretty much shot, but I did my 15 mins on the bike so all was not lost.


Monday - Okay, three days in a row over 2000 calories is SO not good. I don't care if my basal is 2388, three high days are unacceptable. And yes, I did 15 mins on the bike, but I have to get real here. I have got to get my rather large rear end in gear. I'm really excited about the doctors appointment. It will be nice to be able to look her in the eye and tell her what I have been doing instead of studying the floor tiles when she asks about diet and exercise. I'm also anxious to know my weight. Not having a scale to measure any progress may sound liberating to some people, but it is killing me! It will also be nice to have a 'real' number to calculate my BMI and basal calories instead of my estimate. I just can't justify spending the money right now. We have two weddings and Christmas coming up, so money is tight.

On the upside, I have finally gotten some motivation to do something about this house. I am a horrendous housekeeper. It's bad, really. Constantly living out of laundry baskets, having to wash dishes before I can cook, papers EVERYWHERE. Clutter has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember, but since Hunny and I moved in together, it has taken over. Most of my problem now is that I have everything from my marriage to Jackass, and The Hunny has everything from his marriage the The Evil One, so we have a two bedroom house with two households worth of crap in it. Well, no more. I started in the kitchen today, and if I can't use it or don't have room for it, then it's gone. And if Hunny doesn't want it gone, then he better find space for it in his closet. He is gonna HATE it, but he'll just have to deal. I feel like I am drowning in stuff. It's been 4 and a half years. Enough already.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Pissy

That is how I've been today. Pissy. I got to see my ex-husband today. We'll call him The Jackass from now on. He came to get Boo today for his weekend. OMG, is it legal to fantasize about murder? The man is over five grand behind in child support. He hasn't had a job for more than a year in the eleven years I have known him. Anyhow, CSR is taking him to court in November (about damned time), so now he's all worried. Apparently he's supposed to be getting a large chunk of money for some BS job he did and he informed me today that he was sending CSR about one thousand dollars when he does. I couldn't help but laugh at him. This is the man who couldn't help pay his sons entry fee for baseball because he bought a new stereo system for his car instead. Lets just say I won't be holding my breath. But, that's not what pissed me off. He then proceeded to tell me how and what I should use the money for. He is lucky that Boo was sitting right there because I could have decked him. It's been almost 6 years. Get over it already!!! I've moved on, and, because of his lack of interest, his son has started to too. It's sad when, even at seven, Boo knows to take anything The Jackass says with a grain of salt. I wouldn't trade my son for anything, but sometimes I wish someone would have wrung my neck when I decided to get married at eighteen.

The Hunny and I are going to his sisters tomorrow. We'll probably end up staying overnight since she is so far away. I like going, but this is the first time we've been since I started this semi-diet. I'm kinda freaked out about food choices since we'll be in someone else's house, and that woman COOKS! I'm not sure what to say. I still feel like a little kid in church around his family. Always on my best behavior. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Today was a shitty food day. I've been craving salt. Not sure why. I'm gonna hit enter and get on the bike and do my time and watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report that I missed last night. Thank God for DVR.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Whoops! and The Dress

Whoops! I just noticed that I didn't post yesterday, so here goes.

Wednesday - Food was good and I got 20 mins in. I took Boo to go see my dad like I promised. It went well, although it was a bit awkward since they barely know one another. Dad was sober, and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, so, no questions to answer. He and I agreed that it was best until he either decides to actually go through with the change, or Boo is old enough to understand. I can't tell you how much that eased my mind. I remember how hard it was for me to understand at twelve years old when he told me, I couldn't even imagine telling a seven year old. It was a little odd, but I'm really glad I did it. I plan to go and see him in a few weeks again. I've dodged it for way to long.


Thursday - Another good food day, and I've been shopping all day, so I'll get maybe 15 mins after I post this. Boo was running a slight fever this morning, but not enough to stay home. I gave him some Motrin and sent him to school. He stayed the whole day, but now his throat is scratchy. If he wakes up tomorrow with it again, then we'll hit the doctors office. It's odd since he just had his check up Monday.

The Dress
O.K. The BFF and I found my dress today. I actually don't hate it. Here is a pic, although there is a skinny bitch modeling it, lol. I'm wearing it with straps (I don't trust my boobs, or lack thereof, to hold it up), and I'm going to try to find a short sleeved bolero jacket in chocolate to go with it. That should take care of my arm issues. We thought about just a wrap, but then I'd be fighting with it all night at the reception, so I think a jacket would work better. Let me know what you think.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Fly-by post

Just a quickie, Food was great today, mostly because I was gone most of the day. I only got 15 mins in on the bike, but at least I got something. Boo won his game today 10-2 WOOHOO!! It's kinda nice for him not to be on the worst team in the league. He still isn't hitting well, but this is his first year in 'real' little league. No tee. He's just now learning what a strikes and balls are. Poor kid will swing at ANYTHING, lol. I have a doctors appointment on October 1st, so I'll have a weight to post. More about the doctor later. I'm out for tonight.

Thanks for reading,
Bean

Weekends are my downfall....

Ok. My last post was on Friday, so now I get to play catch-up.



Saturday - Boo lost his game :( , but he had a good time and a surprisingly good attitude about striking out twice. After the game, The Hunny and my Mom took Bud and Boo to the flea market, which is their all time favorite place. They each got to blow 5 bucks and ate ice cream and pizza for lunch. It's kinda a thing we do.

I soooo shoulda gone with them instead.... But, nooooo. I got to ride halfway into Atlanta traffic on a Saturday and get LOST cause the Zilla sister (thanks to Lori for the shortened nic) just "knew" we were going the right way. Then, when we finally got there, I got to try on the only dress in the entire store that was anywhere near my size. It was a 28. It zipped up (Me=SHOCK). But, it was way too big in the boobs (I do not have any), and to tight in the waist(well, where my waist would be if I had one). It didn't really matter anyway since they didn't have any dresses in the colors we were looking for.

Then, the Zilla sister decided we were eating lunch at Waffle House. Great....NOT! (I had an omelet, it was the best I could do) I could have wrung her neck by this point. Then she whines because she wants us to sit at a booth (there are 6 of us - DUH!). So we sit at the counter. Then she is totally rude and snotty to the waitress and THEN she pitches a hissy fit about her bill, which was accurate even though she is still whining about it.

Then, on the way home, just to top it off, while she thought everyone else was asleep in the van, she brought up to the BFF that since she was getting married first, she could be the BFF's Matron of Honor and that the Matron of Honor should be first in the processional. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!.

It's all good, The BFF and I knew this would happen, that's why I am her Maid of Honor, because the Zilla sister turns everything into "All about ME". The BFF kindly explained to her that that would totally throw off the color scheme of the dresses so she was stuck with second. I really couldn't care less. I am honored to be part of it even if all I get to do is hold her train, but she deserves more from the Zilla sister, and it pisses me off that she lets her treat her like this. Food was so-so, but acceptable, and after all that crap, I didn't get anywhere near the bike.



Sunday - We went to Blockbuster, rented some movies that I won't watch (horror). Went to Wal-Mart to get Bud's eyeglasses adjusted (Ten year olds are HELL on frames), and thats pretty much it. The Hunny took the boys out and played catch for a while, just a typical Sunday for us when the boys are here. It's kinda their day.

My dad called and begged me to come rescue him. Apparently he has just discovered that no one sells movies on VHS anymore. Don't ask me how he JUST figured it out, thats how often he gets out apparently. But, he bought a DVD player and had practically driven himself insane trying to hook it up so he could watch the Buck Rogers in the 25th century DVD set he got. I promised to go Monday morning and help.

Food was OK. Regrettably, I avoided the bike again. Two days in a row is not good. By the time I thought about it, it was wayyy to late and I was already on my way to bed.



Monday - Well, I went to Dad's today, and the DVD crisis has been averted. I spent a few hours over there even after we were done. He was sober, which was nice. He really wants to see Boo. I told him I'd take him Wednesday after school. As long as he's willing to be sober, I really can't justify denying him. When I left there, I grabbed Boo off the bus and headed to the Zilla sisters house. Yes, you read that right, I went...almost willingly. She just bought a new computer and has no freaking clue how to use it, so The BFF and I went over there to try and help her out. She was actually tolerable, although I have never seen a baby cry as much as hers does. I'm not judging, just stating a fact. It was kind of nerve wracking. I guess I was lucky cause Boo was a happy baby most of the time. Boo and I left there and went to his ball practice, and then came home. Food was good today, and I got back on the bike and did 20 mins.

Thanks for reading
Bean