Just a little mini post to let ya'll know I'm still here. I've been fighting strep and a head cold for a week and a half now. Apparently I picked it up while we were on the road. I haven't been logging my food, but I haven't been gorging either. I haven't been on the bike at all and probably won't until I can breathe. I miss ya'll. I know that sounds odd, but I do. I miss the 'program' I put myself on. I'll be so glad when things are normal again.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I am alive.
Just a note to say, yes I am alive, and no, I didn't fall down a flight of stairs and break my neck and forget to leave instructions for my family to inform my blog buddies, lol. Things have been nuts. My BFF's grandfather died suddenly, and I drove her to Kansas for the funeral. I've been back since Sunday, but trying to get settled back in is weird. My food has been shitty, but my weight as the doc Monday was 325!!!! It was 365 in May and 350 in late July. I had her pull it off my chart. No more denial about that number. As long as I know it, it has no power over me. Sorry for the drive by post.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Thanks for reading
Bean
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I should have been celebrating...
Alright. Enough of the funk. Yesterday was one full year without touching a cigarette. That, my friends, is a HUGE accomplishment. I should have spent my day bragging to all of you and being proud of myself, but nooo, not me. I had to be all defeated and sad and whiny. Well, I'm done. It may be a day late, but I AM CELEBRATING!
I was smoking almost two full packs a day last year before I quit. My mom had been in the hospital three times that year for Pneumonia, and was (and sadly still is) well on her way to emphysema. I was sitting in a chat room that I frequent in yahoo talking to some friends that morning, September 25, 2006, and at about 9am, I lit my last cigarette of the last pack I had. I complained in the room that now I had to go out in the rain to get a pack of cigarettes. One of the girls in the room piped up and said, "Now's a great time to quit."
Now, usually I would have shrugged that comment off, but something about it stuck in my head. She was absolutely right. If I never bought another pack of cigarettes, I'd never smoke another one. I could tell everyone that I was quitting and not to bum me any, and that would be it. So, I told everyone that I was quitting, took up crocheting to keep my hands busy, joined a website that sends you a daily e-mail reminder on ways to fight cravings, and, of course, made a counter for my Myspace, lol. Now, I will admit, it was hard. But those daily emails, and the accountability I had from everyone in that chat room cheering me on really helped me. I had to stay out of convenience stores for a long time. If I needed a drink, I went into the grocery store and hit the express lane, and I paid for gas at the pump so I didn't have to go in and see all those packs of cigarettes calling my name.
I got stressed out twice throughout the year and attempted to take a hit off of someone's cigarette. I gagged both times. I am now a non-smoker, and I couldn't be happier about it.
Now, if only I never had to eat again.....
Thanks for reading
Bean
I was smoking almost two full packs a day last year before I quit. My mom had been in the hospital three times that year for Pneumonia, and was (and sadly still is) well on her way to emphysema. I was sitting in a chat room that I frequent in yahoo talking to some friends that morning, September 25, 2006, and at about 9am, I lit my last cigarette of the last pack I had. I complained in the room that now I had to go out in the rain to get a pack of cigarettes. One of the girls in the room piped up and said, "Now's a great time to quit."
Now, usually I would have shrugged that comment off, but something about it stuck in my head. She was absolutely right. If I never bought another pack of cigarettes, I'd never smoke another one. I could tell everyone that I was quitting and not to bum me any, and that would be it. So, I told everyone that I was quitting, took up crocheting to keep my hands busy, joined a website that sends you a daily e-mail reminder on ways to fight cravings, and, of course, made a counter for my Myspace, lol. Now, I will admit, it was hard. But those daily emails, and the accountability I had from everyone in that chat room cheering me on really helped me. I had to stay out of convenience stores for a long time. If I needed a drink, I went into the grocery store and hit the express lane, and I paid for gas at the pump so I didn't have to go in and see all those packs of cigarettes calling my name.
I got stressed out twice throughout the year and attempted to take a hit off of someone's cigarette. I gagged both times. I am now a non-smoker, and I couldn't be happier about it.
Now, if only I never had to eat again.....
Thanks for reading
Bean
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Confessions...
Ok, so it's way early for me to be posting for the day I know, but I have some crap to fess up too. Last night I made spaghetti for dinner. No, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, that's a lie, I was thinking, it's late and I'm tired and this will be fast and the Hunny and Boo love it and I'll be fine....HA! I thought I could tackle regular pasta. Of course, I couldn't. I had way too much at dinner, and, to top it all off, at midnight last night, I ate Boo's leftovers that were in the fridge along with two pieces of WHITE bread, with butter :( Oh, and about 4 cookies, and a Jell-o pudding cup. See, there is a reason why white bread and regular pasta are the enemy. Thank God we were out of milk, cause that would've been a disaster.
I know part of the problem is that the stuff is in the house, but I am cheap, and I can't throw it out. I'm not buying anymore of it, we are switching to whole wheat pasta, but I can NOT waste it. Not with money as tight as it is. What I should've done was made them spaghetti, and only enough for them, no leftovers, and grilled myself some chicken and veggies.
Now, my midnight foray was a normal part of life before I started this blog(you didn't think I hit 350lbs by eating normally did you?). But, I haven't done it since I've started, till last night. I slept crappy, I had gotten used to sleeping without food in my tummy. It's amazing how much better you sleep when your body isn't trying to process junk. I added up my total calories for yesterday after my binge last night....3021. I want to cry. I've been doing so well, even with obstacles. It just makes me sad. I'll post more later. I have a feeling today is gonna be a doozy.
Thanks for reading
Bean
I know part of the problem is that the stuff is in the house, but I am cheap, and I can't throw it out. I'm not buying anymore of it, we are switching to whole wheat pasta, but I can NOT waste it. Not with money as tight as it is. What I should've done was made them spaghetti, and only enough for them, no leftovers, and grilled myself some chicken and veggies.
Now, my midnight foray was a normal part of life before I started this blog(you didn't think I hit 350lbs by eating normally did you?). But, I haven't done it since I've started, till last night. I slept crappy, I had gotten used to sleeping without food in my tummy. It's amazing how much better you sleep when your body isn't trying to process junk. I added up my total calories for yesterday after my binge last night....3021. I want to cry. I've been doing so well, even with obstacles. It just makes me sad. I'll post more later. I have a feeling today is gonna be a doozy.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Hunny's birthday weekend.
Well, well, well, it is Monday again, so here's the monster weekend update post, lol.
Saturday - Boo won his game Saturday morning - WOOHOO! I had to deal with the Jackass, but I'm used to it. I don't mind dealing with his half as much as I mind dealing with the thing he lives with. I have much disgust for this female. I call her that because nothing about her deserves the title woman. I'm still trying to think of a name for her other than what I usually refer to her as, since I am not comfortable typing that word on a public blog. For now I'll say It. It and I used to be very close friends. It is a big girl too, so we clicked right away. It was there when my son was born. It was my rock. Little did I know that It was fucking my husband the entire time we were married. Like I said, I have lots of disgust for her. When I finally wised up and kicked Jackass out, It decided to run to certain members of my family and tell them that I told her that she could have the Jackass and my son since I didn't want either of them. Those, my friends, were fighting words. I later found out that when she babysat my son when he was barely talking, that she taught him to call her Momma, so she could pass him off as hers while they were out. Now, the Jackass is exactly that, a jackass, and she can have him all to herself forever. Good riddance. But when It brought my son into it...that is unforgivable. Thats the short version, I'm sure I'll elaborate later.
After Boo's game, we headed out to his sisters. She lives about 2 hrs from here, so it's a long haul. We ended up not staying the night, Hunny didn't want to. Probably because I refuse to have sex with him when we are there 'cause we sleep in his 14yr old niece's room, and, well that's just creepy. His sis made spaghetti for dinner (OMG YUM!!!) and I ate it AND the garlic bread AND a piece of ice cream cake and I enjoyed it immensely. I actually didn't TOTALLY blow my calorie intake for the day either. It was on the high end, but not over. Woohoo me! (insert happy dance) AND, even after 4 hours total in the jeep, I still did 15 mins on the bike that night. I rock.
Sunday - We stayed in bed till almost noon. Ahh, the joy of having every other weekend kid-free!!! When we did drag our lazy butts out of bed, we sat and watched movies. Sunday afternoon we took movies back to Blockbuster, dropped of some bills in the mail, and did a tiny bit of grocery shopping, mainly just stuff for Hunny's lunches for the week. I did have a Grilled stuft burrito for lunch which was HORRID after I looked up the calories:(( I wanted to cry. It's okay though, everyone is allowed a screw-up now and then. Food was pretty much shot, but I did my 15 mins on the bike so all was not lost.
Monday - Okay, three days in a row over 2000 calories is SO not good. I don't care if my basal is 2388, three high days are unacceptable. And yes, I did 15 mins on the bike, but I have to get real here. I have got to get my rather large rear end in gear. I'm really excited about the doctors appointment. It will be nice to be able to look her in the eye and tell her what I have been doing instead of studying the floor tiles when she asks about diet and exercise. I'm also anxious to know my weight. Not having a scale to measure any progress may sound liberating to some people, but it is killing me! It will also be nice to have a 'real' number to calculate my BMI and basal calories instead of my estimate. I just can't justify spending the money right now. We have two weddings and Christmas coming up, so money is tight.
On the upside, I have finally gotten some motivation to do something about this house. I am a horrendous housekeeper. It's bad, really. Constantly living out of laundry baskets, having to wash dishes before I can cook, papers EVERYWHERE. Clutter has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember, but since Hunny and I moved in together, it has taken over. Most of my problem now is that I have everything from my marriage to Jackass, and The Hunny has everything from his marriage the The Evil One, so we have a two bedroom house with two households worth of crap in it. Well, no more. I started in the kitchen today, and if I can't use it or don't have room for it, then it's gone. And if Hunny doesn't want it gone, then he better find space for it in his closet. He is gonna HATE it, but he'll just have to deal. I feel like I am drowning in stuff. It's been 4 and a half years. Enough already.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Saturday - Boo won his game Saturday morning - WOOHOO! I had to deal with the Jackass, but I'm used to it. I don't mind dealing with his half as much as I mind dealing with the thing he lives with. I have much disgust for this female. I call her that because nothing about her deserves the title woman. I'm still trying to think of a name for her other than what I usually refer to her as, since I am not comfortable typing that word on a public blog. For now I'll say It. It and I used to be very close friends. It is a big girl too, so we clicked right away. It was there when my son was born. It was my rock. Little did I know that It was fucking my husband the entire time we were married. Like I said, I have lots of disgust for her. When I finally wised up and kicked Jackass out, It decided to run to certain members of my family and tell them that I told her that she could have the Jackass and my son since I didn't want either of them. Those, my friends, were fighting words. I later found out that when she babysat my son when he was barely talking, that she taught him to call her Momma, so she could pass him off as hers while they were out. Now, the Jackass is exactly that, a jackass, and she can have him all to herself forever. Good riddance. But when It brought my son into it...that is unforgivable. Thats the short version, I'm sure I'll elaborate later.
After Boo's game, we headed out to his sisters. She lives about 2 hrs from here, so it's a long haul. We ended up not staying the night, Hunny didn't want to. Probably because I refuse to have sex with him when we are there 'cause we sleep in his 14yr old niece's room, and, well that's just creepy. His sis made spaghetti for dinner (OMG YUM!!!) and I ate it AND the garlic bread AND a piece of ice cream cake and I enjoyed it immensely. I actually didn't TOTALLY blow my calorie intake for the day either. It was on the high end, but not over. Woohoo me! (insert happy dance) AND, even after 4 hours total in the jeep, I still did 15 mins on the bike that night. I rock.
Sunday - We stayed in bed till almost noon. Ahh, the joy of having every other weekend kid-free!!! When we did drag our lazy butts out of bed, we sat and watched movies. Sunday afternoon we took movies back to Blockbuster, dropped of some bills in the mail, and did a tiny bit of grocery shopping, mainly just stuff for Hunny's lunches for the week. I did have a Grilled stuft burrito for lunch which was HORRID after I looked up the calories:(( I wanted to cry. It's okay though, everyone is allowed a screw-up now and then. Food was pretty much shot, but I did my 15 mins on the bike so all was not lost.
Monday - Okay, three days in a row over 2000 calories is SO not good. I don't care if my basal is 2388, three high days are unacceptable. And yes, I did 15 mins on the bike, but I have to get real here. I have got to get my rather large rear end in gear. I'm really excited about the doctors appointment. It will be nice to be able to look her in the eye and tell her what I have been doing instead of studying the floor tiles when she asks about diet and exercise. I'm also anxious to know my weight. Not having a scale to measure any progress may sound liberating to some people, but it is killing me! It will also be nice to have a 'real' number to calculate my BMI and basal calories instead of my estimate. I just can't justify spending the money right now. We have two weddings and Christmas coming up, so money is tight.
On the upside, I have finally gotten some motivation to do something about this house. I am a horrendous housekeeper. It's bad, really. Constantly living out of laundry baskets, having to wash dishes before I can cook, papers EVERYWHERE. Clutter has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember, but since Hunny and I moved in together, it has taken over. Most of my problem now is that I have everything from my marriage to Jackass, and The Hunny has everything from his marriage the The Evil One, so we have a two bedroom house with two households worth of crap in it. Well, no more. I started in the kitchen today, and if I can't use it or don't have room for it, then it's gone. And if Hunny doesn't want it gone, then he better find space for it in his closet. He is gonna HATE it, but he'll just have to deal. I feel like I am drowning in stuff. It's been 4 and a half years. Enough already.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Friday, September 21, 2007
Pissy
That is how I've been today. Pissy. I got to see my ex-husband today. We'll call him The Jackass from now on. He came to get Boo today for his weekend. OMG, is it legal to fantasize about murder? The man is over five grand behind in child support. He hasn't had a job for more than a year in the eleven years I have known him. Anyhow, CSR is taking him to court in November (about damned time), so now he's all worried. Apparently he's supposed to be getting a large chunk of money for some BS job he did and he informed me today that he was sending CSR about one thousand dollars when he does. I couldn't help but laugh at him. This is the man who couldn't help pay his sons entry fee for baseball because he bought a new stereo system for his car instead. Lets just say I won't be holding my breath. But, that's not what pissed me off. He then proceeded to tell me how and what I should use the money for. He is lucky that Boo was sitting right there because I could have decked him. It's been almost 6 years. Get over it already!!! I've moved on, and, because of his lack of interest, his son has started to too. It's sad when, even at seven, Boo knows to take anything The Jackass says with a grain of salt. I wouldn't trade my son for anything, but sometimes I wish someone would have wrung my neck when I decided to get married at eighteen.
The Hunny and I are going to his sisters tomorrow. We'll probably end up staying overnight since she is so far away. I like going, but this is the first time we've been since I started this semi-diet. I'm kinda freaked out about food choices since we'll be in someone else's house, and that woman COOKS! I'm not sure what to say. I still feel like a little kid in church around his family. Always on my best behavior. I'm sure it'll be fine.
Today was a shitty food day. I've been craving salt. Not sure why. I'm gonna hit enter and get on the bike and do my time and watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report that I missed last night. Thank God for DVR.
Thanks for reading
Bean
The Hunny and I are going to his sisters tomorrow. We'll probably end up staying overnight since she is so far away. I like going, but this is the first time we've been since I started this semi-diet. I'm kinda freaked out about food choices since we'll be in someone else's house, and that woman COOKS! I'm not sure what to say. I still feel like a little kid in church around his family. Always on my best behavior. I'm sure it'll be fine.
Today was a shitty food day. I've been craving salt. Not sure why. I'm gonna hit enter and get on the bike and do my time and watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report that I missed last night. Thank God for DVR.
Thanks for reading
Bean
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