My son's seventh birthday is today. Wow! I can't believe my baby is seven. He is so smart and so handsome. I couldn't be prouder. I love that boy more than words can say. However, overshadowing my pride in my son is my disgust at myself....and what I have become in those seven years.
I have been heavy for as long as I can remember, and I mean that literally. I've seen pictures of myself at five or six years old where I was what you'd call normal, but I don't remember ever being that way. Normal I mean. I struggled with this all my life. I was that girl in school that everyone made fun of. Now, I know that EVERYONE was laughed at at one time or another, but I was that girl daily. Always excluded from everything. Never asked to participate in anything, ever. I didn't have a "friend" at all until 5th grade. And, to tell you the truth, we could barely tolerate each other. But we were both outcasts, so we stuck together. I haven't spoken to her since we started junior high in 6th grade and she had transformed herself into one of the popular kids over the summer.
Junior high wasn't much better, but I managed. I actually met a few girls who accepted me. I suppose at 12 I weighed about 200lbs. At 5'6" I was big, but not huge....yet. I ate my way through junior high and started my freshman year in high school at 5'8" and weighing in at 250lbs give or take 5 lbs. I didn't last long. The 2 or 3 girlfriends that got me through junior high weren't in any of my classes so it was like starting all over, and I couldn't hack it. I turned 16 that January, and by February, I had convinced my mother to withdraw me from school. She said I had until my eighteenth birthday to hand her my G.E.D. or move out. She got it a month after my 17th birthday.
I tell this story because in the year it took me to get that G.E.D. I grew up a lot. I got comfortable with myself and who I was. I wasn't exactly thrilled about my body at 250 lbs, but I didn't spend every waking hour waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me either. I started to actually live my life. I met my (now ex) husband, got married and started college(I only finished 2 semesters but that's another blog). I was barely 18 when we got married(again, another blog, lol). At 19, in December of 1999, I found out we were pregnant. I was ecstatic! I had been concerned that maybe because of my weight and irregular cycle that I couldn't conceive.
I weighed 254lbs at my first OB appointment. I was at 266lbs at my last one. I only gained 12lbs during the entire pregnancy. Don't worry, he was full term and 6lbs4oz. The Dr. said it was quite common for a "heavyset"(God, I loved that doctor) woman to lose fat in their own bodies while the baby gains weight. I was so relieved. I was completely comfortable in my body at 250lbs. I could walk, run, go anywhere, do anything I wanted to do. My weight didn't stop me from living my life. I took my brand new baby, and a shot of Depo-Provera in the arm, and went home.
I don't know if it was the Depo-Provera, the lack of sleep and time to take care of myself, the stress on my marriage at the time, still eating for two, my failure at breastfeeding, or a combination thereof, but here I am seven years later at at least 350lbs. My son is the boy with the fat mommy. Right now, it doesn't matter, but I know as he gets older, it will be an issue with the other kids at school. I've never yo-yo dieted, I've bought lots of weight loss crap(6 week body makeover, 'breathing' cardio, etc.) but I never so much as get them out of the box. I do have the Walkaway the Pounds for Abs video set, and I used it about twice. I still have it and I actually dug it out yesterday, but I haven't put it in the VCR yet.
I just want to be able to live my life again. I want to be able to volunteer at my son's school without being afraid of embarrassing him. I want to sit in the stands and cheer him on at his baseball games without worrying about people staring at me. I want my son to be proud that I am his mother.
Thanks for reading
Bean
4 comments:
Bean, I started out at 340. I was probably the third or second fattest girl in my school so I understand exactly how you feel. At our school, most of us who were outcasts (fat, gay, unathletic and not the sharpest) all hung out together.
I would give anything to be that weight in high school (or maybe not, I'm not sure how fat I was then, denial, denial, denial).
It's really hard to focus on losing weight when you are over 300 pounds (IMHO) and it's hard to see the rewards of restricting your diet/exercise at first. Like I said yesterday, start out with small goals like going outside and walking for 5-10 minutes. Don't go nuts and eat 800 calories and do 5 hours of Billy Tao tapes. :-) Buy some stickers and every time you do something that's positive like turning down a cake or walking for 5 minutes -- put a sticker on your calendar. It really sounds trite but trust me, I do this whenever I exercise so I can't say, "You're a screw-up."
I'm very good with negative self-talk and it's hard to change that if you've been overweight. I'm still working on it. I know that's my biggest obstacle for me to keep losing and maintaining my weight. I know you can do it but it's hard, I'm not going to lie. It's hard to change your life around. But it's so worth it. My life is definitely not perfect in many ways but I'm not at 340. You will be amazed what you can do. Feel free to email me if you want.
Happy Birthday to your sweet boy!
Hey, girl. I think it's great that you typed this and got it all out in the open like this. It's good for us to vent and see things the way they really are. And I think it helps all of us to know where our blog buddies are coming from. It gives us a greater understanding of each other's struggles.
I read Lori's comment, and I totally agree with what she said. Just know that you are not alone, and we are all cheering you on! You can do this! And I believe that you WILL do this! :)
Hi Bean,
Well, my friend, we have a lot in common. Welcome to the blogosphere and the great group of people who read our blogs...
michele
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