318!!!

Just a quick update. I was at a very very good friends house who happens to have a scale. I have pretty much been "off program" since the first of October and I was worried that I had gained, so I got on and.....
318!!! Not a huge loss, only 7 lbs in a month and a half, but NO GAIN!!! woohoo!!!

I'm looking forward to getting back on track soon.. I'm not eating just whatever I want or anything, but life is so crazy right now, that keeping daily calorie counts is just not a possibility. As of tomorrow we are 5 WEEKS away from the BFF's wedding! Not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas....Can we shoot straight through to New Years???

Thanks for reading
Bean

A long overdue update...

Hello blog buddies!! I am feeling better finally, the cough still lingers, but I can breathe again. NO steroids, I ended up just waiting it out since we are poor folks and no insurance and, well, let me stop here before I go on a political health care rant :) ... I think I have the beginnings of an ear infection, but it just feels funny at the moment, so we will see...

I haven't blogged because I am frantically searching for a job. My Hunny is a mechanic and works on commission, so no business=no money and right now, there is no business. I was already sort of looking for a first shift position because I was bored, but now, I need anything. I'd rather not work second shift and every weekend, but you do what you have to do sometimes.

I am excited about working again (I haven't since Boo started school). I will be able to interact with new people, and I won't be bored all the time and tempted to eat all day long. The problem is finding a job in the horrible market here. All of my skills are retail, and when people don't shop...they don't hire. I was hoping that I could find something seasonal since Christmas is coming up, but no such luck yet...

I am also worried about being able to do it physically. I can lift stuff for customers and all that, I mean, I don't have any injuries or anything(knock on wood), but it's been a long time since I stood on my feet for eight hours a day... I'm not sure my back can take it. Yet another reason I need to get my weight down.

I still don't have a scale (poor folks and all) but my eating habits are fair at best. I still try and stay away from refined sugar, but I am not watching my portions, and I have been talking myself into treats WAY too often.

I have to replace the sylinoid (sp) on my car... Grrrr. This is just plain irritating. They say that the cobbler's kids have no shoes...well...The mechanics woman has a crappy car, lol.

BTW. Hunny and I are finally, after almost 5 years, officially engaged!!! I adore my ring, and hopefully I can get BFF to help me take a pic to post here. We are planning on having a long engagement, probably a year or so. No hurry.

Speaking of weddings... I still haven't found a bolero jacket in chocolate to wear with my dress for the BFF's wedding... We have been planning like crazy.. meeting with her coordinator all the time... it's getting close and she is getting nervous, but it will be fine, they are meant to be!

I wish I had time for more, but I have dishes calling my name.

Thanks for reading,
Bean

blah

Still here, still sick. I'm only up right now because I can't breathe. There's lots more, but I'm to tired to type it all. Please keep me in your thoughts. I feel like this is going to last forever. I have to go back to the doc next week. She said if I'm not breathing better then it's steroid time. I so don't want that, I'm afraid it'll make me gain weight....Anyone know about that?

I miss ya'll :(

Thanks for reading,
Bean

Sick

Just a little mini post to let ya'll know I'm still here. I've been fighting strep and a head cold for a week and a half now. Apparently I picked it up while we were on the road. I haven't been logging my food, but I haven't been gorging either. I haven't been on the bike at all and probably won't until I can breathe. I miss ya'll. I know that sounds odd, but I do. I miss the 'program' I put myself on. I'll be so glad when things are normal again.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Happy Dance

SIZE 26 JEANS BABY!!!!! AND THEY'RE LOOSE!!!!!




Thanks for reading
Bean

I am alive.

Just a note to say, yes I am alive, and no, I didn't fall down a flight of stairs and break my neck and forget to leave instructions for my family to inform my blog buddies, lol. Things have been nuts. My BFF's grandfather died suddenly, and I drove her to Kansas for the funeral. I've been back since Sunday, but trying to get settled back in is weird. My food has been shitty, but my weight as the doc Monday was 325!!!! It was 365 in May and 350 in late July. I had her pull it off my chart. No more denial about that number. As long as I know it, it has no power over me. Sorry for the drive by post.

Thanks for reading
Bean

I should have been celebrating...

Alright. Enough of the funk. Yesterday was one full year without touching a cigarette. That, my friends, is a HUGE accomplishment. I should have spent my day bragging to all of you and being proud of myself, but nooo, not me. I had to be all defeated and sad and whiny. Well, I'm done. It may be a day late, but I AM CELEBRATING!

I was smoking almost two full packs a day last year before I quit. My mom had been in the hospital three times that year for Pneumonia, and was (and sadly still is) well on her way to emphysema. I was sitting in a chat room that I frequent in yahoo talking to some friends that morning, September 25, 2006, and at about 9am, I lit my last cigarette of the last pack I had. I complained in the room that now I had to go out in the rain to get a pack of cigarettes. One of the girls in the room piped up and said, "Now's a great time to quit."

Now, usually I would have shrugged that comment off, but something about it stuck in my head. She was absolutely right. If I never bought another pack of cigarettes, I'd never smoke another one. I could tell everyone that I was quitting and not to bum me any, and that would be it. So, I told everyone that I was quitting, took up crocheting to keep my hands busy, joined a website that sends you a daily e-mail reminder on ways to fight cravings, and, of course, made a counter for my Myspace, lol. Now, I will admit, it was hard. But those daily emails, and the accountability I had from everyone in that chat room cheering me on really helped me. I had to stay out of convenience stores for a long time. If I needed a drink, I went into the grocery store and hit the express lane, and I paid for gas at the pump so I didn't have to go in and see all those packs of cigarettes calling my name.

I got stressed out twice throughout the year and attempted to take a hit off of someone's cigarette. I gagged both times. I am now a non-smoker, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Now, if only I never had to eat again.....

Thanks for reading
Bean

Confessions...

Ok, so it's way early for me to be posting for the day I know, but I have some crap to fess up too. Last night I made spaghetti for dinner. No, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, that's a lie, I was thinking, it's late and I'm tired and this will be fast and the Hunny and Boo love it and I'll be fine....HA! I thought I could tackle regular pasta. Of course, I couldn't. I had way too much at dinner, and, to top it all off, at midnight last night, I ate Boo's leftovers that were in the fridge along with two pieces of WHITE bread, with butter :( Oh, and about 4 cookies, and a Jell-o pudding cup. See, there is a reason why white bread and regular pasta are the enemy. Thank God we were out of milk, cause that would've been a disaster.

I know part of the problem is that the stuff is in the house, but I am cheap, and I can't throw it out. I'm not buying anymore of it, we are switching to whole wheat pasta, but I can NOT waste it. Not with money as tight as it is. What I should've done was made them spaghetti, and only enough for them, no leftovers, and grilled myself some chicken and veggies.

Now, my midnight foray was a normal part of life before I started this blog(you didn't think I hit 350lbs by eating normally did you?). But, I haven't done it since I've started, till last night. I slept crappy, I had gotten used to sleeping without food in my tummy. It's amazing how much better you sleep when your body isn't trying to process junk. I added up my total calories for yesterday after my binge last night....3021. I want to cry. I've been doing so well, even with obstacles. It just makes me sad. I'll post more later. I have a feeling today is gonna be a doozy.

Thanks for reading
Bean

The Hunny's birthday weekend.

Well, well, well, it is Monday again, so here's the monster weekend update post, lol.


Saturday - Boo won his game Saturday morning - WOOHOO! I had to deal with the Jackass, but I'm used to it. I don't mind dealing with his half as much as I mind dealing with the thing he lives with. I have much disgust for this female. I call her that because nothing about her deserves the title woman. I'm still trying to think of a name for her other than what I usually refer to her as, since I am not comfortable typing that word on a public blog. For now I'll say It. It and I used to be very close friends. It is a big girl too, so we clicked right away. It was there when my son was born. It was my rock. Little did I know that It was fucking my husband the entire time we were married. Like I said, I have lots of disgust for her. When I finally wised up and kicked Jackass out, It decided to run to certain members of my family and tell them that I told her that she could have the Jackass and my son since I didn't want either of them. Those, my friends, were fighting words. I later found out that when she babysat my son when he was barely talking, that she taught him to call her Momma, so she could pass him off as hers while they were out. Now, the Jackass is exactly that, a jackass, and she can have him all to herself forever. Good riddance. But when It brought my son into it...that is unforgivable. Thats the short version, I'm sure I'll elaborate later.

After Boo's game, we headed out to his sisters. She lives about 2 hrs from here, so it's a long haul. We ended up not staying the night, Hunny didn't want to. Probably because I refuse to have sex with him when we are there 'cause we sleep in his 14yr old niece's room, and, well that's just creepy. His sis made spaghetti for dinner (OMG YUM!!!) and I ate it AND the garlic bread AND a piece of ice cream cake and I enjoyed it immensely. I actually didn't TOTALLY blow my calorie intake for the day either. It was on the high end, but not over. Woohoo me! (insert happy dance) AND, even after 4 hours total in the jeep, I still did 15 mins on the bike that night. I rock.


Sunday - We stayed in bed till almost noon. Ahh, the joy of having every other weekend kid-free!!! When we did drag our lazy butts out of bed, we sat and watched movies. Sunday afternoon we took movies back to Blockbuster, dropped of some bills in the mail, and did a tiny bit of grocery shopping, mainly just stuff for Hunny's lunches for the week. I did have a Grilled stuft burrito for lunch which was HORRID after I looked up the calories:(( I wanted to cry. It's okay though, everyone is allowed a screw-up now and then. Food was pretty much shot, but I did my 15 mins on the bike so all was not lost.


Monday - Okay, three days in a row over 2000 calories is SO not good. I don't care if my basal is 2388, three high days are unacceptable. And yes, I did 15 mins on the bike, but I have to get real here. I have got to get my rather large rear end in gear. I'm really excited about the doctors appointment. It will be nice to be able to look her in the eye and tell her what I have been doing instead of studying the floor tiles when she asks about diet and exercise. I'm also anxious to know my weight. Not having a scale to measure any progress may sound liberating to some people, but it is killing me! It will also be nice to have a 'real' number to calculate my BMI and basal calories instead of my estimate. I just can't justify spending the money right now. We have two weddings and Christmas coming up, so money is tight.

On the upside, I have finally gotten some motivation to do something about this house. I am a horrendous housekeeper. It's bad, really. Constantly living out of laundry baskets, having to wash dishes before I can cook, papers EVERYWHERE. Clutter has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember, but since Hunny and I moved in together, it has taken over. Most of my problem now is that I have everything from my marriage to Jackass, and The Hunny has everything from his marriage the The Evil One, so we have a two bedroom house with two households worth of crap in it. Well, no more. I started in the kitchen today, and if I can't use it or don't have room for it, then it's gone. And if Hunny doesn't want it gone, then he better find space for it in his closet. He is gonna HATE it, but he'll just have to deal. I feel like I am drowning in stuff. It's been 4 and a half years. Enough already.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Pissy

That is how I've been today. Pissy. I got to see my ex-husband today. We'll call him The Jackass from now on. He came to get Boo today for his weekend. OMG, is it legal to fantasize about murder? The man is over five grand behind in child support. He hasn't had a job for more than a year in the eleven years I have known him. Anyhow, CSR is taking him to court in November (about damned time), so now he's all worried. Apparently he's supposed to be getting a large chunk of money for some BS job he did and he informed me today that he was sending CSR about one thousand dollars when he does. I couldn't help but laugh at him. This is the man who couldn't help pay his sons entry fee for baseball because he bought a new stereo system for his car instead. Lets just say I won't be holding my breath. But, that's not what pissed me off. He then proceeded to tell me how and what I should use the money for. He is lucky that Boo was sitting right there because I could have decked him. It's been almost 6 years. Get over it already!!! I've moved on, and, because of his lack of interest, his son has started to too. It's sad when, even at seven, Boo knows to take anything The Jackass says with a grain of salt. I wouldn't trade my son for anything, but sometimes I wish someone would have wrung my neck when I decided to get married at eighteen.

The Hunny and I are going to his sisters tomorrow. We'll probably end up staying overnight since she is so far away. I like going, but this is the first time we've been since I started this semi-diet. I'm kinda freaked out about food choices since we'll be in someone else's house, and that woman COOKS! I'm not sure what to say. I still feel like a little kid in church around his family. Always on my best behavior. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Today was a shitty food day. I've been craving salt. Not sure why. I'm gonna hit enter and get on the bike and do my time and watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report that I missed last night. Thank God for DVR.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Whoops! and The Dress

Whoops! I just noticed that I didn't post yesterday, so here goes.

Wednesday - Food was good and I got 20 mins in. I took Boo to go see my dad like I promised. It went well, although it was a bit awkward since they barely know one another. Dad was sober, and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, so, no questions to answer. He and I agreed that it was best until he either decides to actually go through with the change, or Boo is old enough to understand. I can't tell you how much that eased my mind. I remember how hard it was for me to understand at twelve years old when he told me, I couldn't even imagine telling a seven year old. It was a little odd, but I'm really glad I did it. I plan to go and see him in a few weeks again. I've dodged it for way to long.


Thursday - Another good food day, and I've been shopping all day, so I'll get maybe 15 mins after I post this. Boo was running a slight fever this morning, but not enough to stay home. I gave him some Motrin and sent him to school. He stayed the whole day, but now his throat is scratchy. If he wakes up tomorrow with it again, then we'll hit the doctors office. It's odd since he just had his check up Monday.

The Dress
O.K. The BFF and I found my dress today. I actually don't hate it. Here is a pic, although there is a skinny bitch modeling it, lol. I'm wearing it with straps (I don't trust my boobs, or lack thereof, to hold it up), and I'm going to try to find a short sleeved bolero jacket in chocolate to go with it. That should take care of my arm issues. We thought about just a wrap, but then I'd be fighting with it all night at the reception, so I think a jacket would work better. Let me know what you think.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Fly-by post

Just a quickie, Food was great today, mostly because I was gone most of the day. I only got 15 mins in on the bike, but at least I got something. Boo won his game today 10-2 WOOHOO!! It's kinda nice for him not to be on the worst team in the league. He still isn't hitting well, but this is his first year in 'real' little league. No tee. He's just now learning what a strikes and balls are. Poor kid will swing at ANYTHING, lol. I have a doctors appointment on October 1st, so I'll have a weight to post. More about the doctor later. I'm out for tonight.

Thanks for reading,
Bean

Weekends are my downfall....

Ok. My last post was on Friday, so now I get to play catch-up.



Saturday - Boo lost his game :( , but he had a good time and a surprisingly good attitude about striking out twice. After the game, The Hunny and my Mom took Bud and Boo to the flea market, which is their all time favorite place. They each got to blow 5 bucks and ate ice cream and pizza for lunch. It's kinda a thing we do.

I soooo shoulda gone with them instead.... But, nooooo. I got to ride halfway into Atlanta traffic on a Saturday and get LOST cause the Zilla sister (thanks to Lori for the shortened nic) just "knew" we were going the right way. Then, when we finally got there, I got to try on the only dress in the entire store that was anywhere near my size. It was a 28. It zipped up (Me=SHOCK). But, it was way too big in the boobs (I do not have any), and to tight in the waist(well, where my waist would be if I had one). It didn't really matter anyway since they didn't have any dresses in the colors we were looking for.

Then, the Zilla sister decided we were eating lunch at Waffle House. Great....NOT! (I had an omelet, it was the best I could do) I could have wrung her neck by this point. Then she whines because she wants us to sit at a booth (there are 6 of us - DUH!). So we sit at the counter. Then she is totally rude and snotty to the waitress and THEN she pitches a hissy fit about her bill, which was accurate even though she is still whining about it.

Then, on the way home, just to top it off, while she thought everyone else was asleep in the van, she brought up to the BFF that since she was getting married first, she could be the BFF's Matron of Honor and that the Matron of Honor should be first in the processional. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!.

It's all good, The BFF and I knew this would happen, that's why I am her Maid of Honor, because the Zilla sister turns everything into "All about ME". The BFF kindly explained to her that that would totally throw off the color scheme of the dresses so she was stuck with second. I really couldn't care less. I am honored to be part of it even if all I get to do is hold her train, but she deserves more from the Zilla sister, and it pisses me off that she lets her treat her like this. Food was so-so, but acceptable, and after all that crap, I didn't get anywhere near the bike.



Sunday - We went to Blockbuster, rented some movies that I won't watch (horror). Went to Wal-Mart to get Bud's eyeglasses adjusted (Ten year olds are HELL on frames), and thats pretty much it. The Hunny took the boys out and played catch for a while, just a typical Sunday for us when the boys are here. It's kinda their day.

My dad called and begged me to come rescue him. Apparently he has just discovered that no one sells movies on VHS anymore. Don't ask me how he JUST figured it out, thats how often he gets out apparently. But, he bought a DVD player and had practically driven himself insane trying to hook it up so he could watch the Buck Rogers in the 25th century DVD set he got. I promised to go Monday morning and help.

Food was OK. Regrettably, I avoided the bike again. Two days in a row is not good. By the time I thought about it, it was wayyy to late and I was already on my way to bed.



Monday - Well, I went to Dad's today, and the DVD crisis has been averted. I spent a few hours over there even after we were done. He was sober, which was nice. He really wants to see Boo. I told him I'd take him Wednesday after school. As long as he's willing to be sober, I really can't justify denying him. When I left there, I grabbed Boo off the bus and headed to the Zilla sisters house. Yes, you read that right, I went...almost willingly. She just bought a new computer and has no freaking clue how to use it, so The BFF and I went over there to try and help her out. She was actually tolerable, although I have never seen a baby cry as much as hers does. I'm not judging, just stating a fact. It was kind of nerve wracking. I guess I was lucky cause Boo was a happy baby most of the time. Boo and I left there and went to his ball practice, and then came home. Food was good today, and I got back on the bike and did 20 mins.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Wedding Planning Extravaganza .... Day one.

O.K. I don't really have time for a full post, but I want to at least let ya'll know I did do 20 mins on the bike and my food was so-so. The BFF and I ate lunch out today, which I haven't done at all since I started this weight loss thing. What really scared me was that before we went out, she stopped at McDonald's to get The Groom lunch and took it to him at work. I've never been so scared of a french fry in my life. I literally had palpitations I was so freaked out, but it was fine. We went to a barbecue place that is WONDERFUL. I ordered two veggie sides instead of the potatoes, fries, or mac-n-cheese. They have kick ass green beans. I took it easy on the sauce, which is easy because the smokiness of the pork was wonderful all on it's own, and they had Splenda on the table, so I ordered unsweetened tea. And yes I ate the cornbread, but I barely touched the corn on the cob, so there.

About once a month I go and play bingo with my mom. It's nice to have her all to myself. Anyone who has kids of their own knows what I'm talking about. All of a sudden everything is about the grandkids, lol. This is my mom time, which I know at 27 yrs. old sounds really pathetic, but she's MY MOM, lol. Anyhow, I went tonight and won 50 bucks. WOOT!

Tomorrow Boo has his first fall baseball game, unless it keeps raining. Then I get to go find a bridesmaid dress...... oh joy of joys. Myself, The BFF, the BFF's daughter,The Bitchy - I want my wedding first- sister, and the two other bridesmaids are headed to J C Penny Outlet. They are discontinuing carrying bridal stuff, so they have every bridesmaid dress on clearance. Speaking of weddings, The BFF and I got TONS of stuff done today. We confirmed on the flowers, and her colors are set now. She is in a Champagne (they say it's oyster, but they're insane) dress, I am in chocolate with a champagne sash, the bitchy whiny sister is in burgundy with a chocolate sash, and the other two are in just burgundy. Then the Jr. bridesmaid will match me and the flower girl will match The BFF.

The Hunny will be stuck here with both boys tomorrow. Bud - just a nic for the 10 yr old, no we did NOT name the poor kid Bud - is grounded for getting in trouble at school last week. No video games, no TV. Basically, if it takes batteries or has a plug, he can't do it. I really thought Boo would take the opportunity to rub it in , but he hasn't. I'm proud. O.K. I'm still icky from the bike, so I'm gonna go get my nasty butt in the shower and hit the sack.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Things to Remember.

I just posted these things in a comment on a fellow bloggers blog. The more I think about them, the more I think I need to post them here to, so here is basically what I have been doing. I've made several small commitments to myself.

1. I will get on that darn bike for at least 10 minutes EVERY DAY!

2. If I don't, I will come to my blog and be honest about it.

3. I will pay attention to EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth. Denial is a lot of what helped me get this heavy.

4. I will try to remember that I am doing this for myself, not to myself.


BTW, I found out today, after taking the time to learn how to cut them up, that I detest mango. I was looking forward to it, since I'd heard it was great. It wasn't. I took two bites and decided on a banana instead. Oh well, I suppose that's going to happen the more I try new things. Speaking of...does anyone know how to get the grilled zucchini to not be so watery and mushy in the middle? I'd like to get it crispier if possible. I love the flavor, but I'm not crazy about the texture. Too mushy, and I don't do mush.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Quickie Post

O.K. My comp is on crack. Apparently there is a "regional" problem with my connection. It has been intermittent at best. I had a good food day. I broke out an old Christmas present that I hadn't even taken out of the box. Its one of those George Foreman grills that only holds like one chicken breast. It was useless at the time, but now it comes in pretty handy since I'm cooking different meals for myself. My main issue is trying to figure out the cooking times for stuff. I had tilapia tonight for the first time. I can grill veggies on it too.

I also did 20 mins on the bike earlier this afternoon.

I've been using fitday and I'm pretty sure I need to be taking a multivitamin. Anyone have any suggestions?

I'm off to spend some time with my Hunny.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Why am I so tired?

I am always exhausted. I get up at 6:30 am to put Boo on the bus. Since I've been trying to do better things for me, I've been staying up instead of going back to bed. I constantly feel like I need a nap, but then I feel lazy for taking one. I managed not to fall asleep today, but my food intake was more than it was yesterday. About 400 calories more. I also only managed 10 mins on the bike. Maybe I should just resign myself to being a napper. Anyway, sorry for the short post, but, like I said, I am wiped. I think I may go ahead and go to bed.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Tag I'm it.

O.K. I've seen this floating around and I had hoped that I was newbie enough to dodge it, lol. But Miss Twix has gotten me. I tried to duck, but she's pretty good.

8 random things about me....(everything about me is random, lol.)

1. I have a cat named Gizmo. Yes, Gizmo, as in the cute little mogwai in Gremlins. I am a certified dork.

2. I secretly adore my hair color. I spent a lot of my childhood hating it, but now I LOVE it.(it's very red)

3. I am completely addicted to Star Trek Enterprise. I never watched it when it originally aired, but we religiously record 4 episodes every Monday on Sci-Fi. (Again Me = Superdork!)

4. I cried when Gilmore Girls ended. Not just the awww how sweet cry, but the OMG I'm devastated my show is over.

5. If I hear one more interview of an accomplished actress being asked what they think about Lindsay or Brittney instead of about themselves and their work I think I will SCREAM!

6. I am what you'd call a flaming liberal, but two of my dearest friends are conservative republicans. So is my Hunny's family. Go figure.

7. I have to force myself to be honest every time I post here. I am terrified that I will say the wrong thing and be judged.

8. I'm not tagging anyone because I'm afraid they will think of me as that annoying person that assumes she knows them well enough to do it. I don't feel that way, I love answering these things, but I'm coping out since I'm new. Thank you Twix for tagging me. To tell the complete truth, I was ecstatic that someone included me. (seeing a pattern of dorkiness yet, lol)

Thanks for reading
Bean

The grocery store.

Yep, today was it. I had put it off as long as humanly possible. I went to the grocery store today. It's my first trip since I decided to make all of these changes. I don't think I was as prepared as I should have been, but it could have been so much worse. I stuck mostly to the outer walls. I read that helped somewhere. It did actually. I got a lot more produce than I normally would, and I bought an acorn squash. I've had it before, but I've never made it. It says I can do it in the microwave, so I'm gonna try that so I don't have to heat up the house. I got some zucchini too, but I haven't the slightest clue what to do with it.

The hardest thing was finding sugar free stuff. I can find all the fat free crap on the planet, but trying to find stuff that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient is a pain in the ass. I was so looking forward to those sugar free fudge pops....no such luck. Fat free ones all day long, but no sugar free. Not even in the store brand. Jell-O needs to make those pudding pops out of the sugar free pudding. OMG that would be heaven. I debated my bread choice for a good eight minutes, and I finally found one with honey as the only sugar ingredient, and only whole wheat flour too, so that's a plus. I've limited myself to a maximum of two slices per day. That's a huge step for me. I am a bread and butter girl. Grocery shopping was definitely a challenge since I'm not really following and particular food plan. Right now I'm just playing it by ear.

I got 20 mins in on the bike. I wanted to try and make up for yesterday, but after 20 mins parts of my lower body that I didn't even know could fall asleep, did. I still haven't made it out to the church track. I guess I'm just a chicken.

I've also been looking into attending an Overeater's Anonymous meeting. There is one at the hospital (which, ironically, is 2 buildings away from the church). My biggest fear is running into someone there that knows me. It sounds so irrational. If they are there and running into me, they're probably more worried about what I'm thinking. Who knows. I have untill Friday to decide.

Thanks for reading
Bean

The Jena Six (A completly opinionated post)

If you have not heard about this story, please read about it. It should be on everyone's mind.


I realize that it's 2:11 am. I also know most sane people are fast asleep right now, but this is literally keeping me up tonight. I cannot shake this story. I live in the south. This story and every story like it make me ashamed to live where I live. It makes me afraid to raise my son here. It's hard to teach your child love, acceptance, and community when they seem to be surrounded by hatred, bigotry, and injustice. I wept as I read about these young people. And then I was angered by the fact that the country would rather talk about how late Brittney Spears stayed out and who she was with. I want to SCREAM!

It's like the Holocaust. Ask any American child over the age of 12 and they know exactly what the holocaust is. They know what a concentration camp is. But ask them about Americas internment of the Japanese-Americans during WWII. Good luck. We like to talk about what Germany and Hitler did cause it makes us look good, but what we did?? Ohhh shush about that. It's not important. Now, I know that we weren't killing those people and the two things are not in any way identical, but it's the best example I have at two in the morning. We, as a country and sometimes as individuals, criticize and critique everyone else's behavior, and yet here we are, locking up high school kids over a fight that never should have been in the first place. That's how we resolve things??? Take a side and squash the opposition??? There should be no sides in this situation. The only correct position to be in is the one where it doesn't matter who the fuck sits under what tree because we are all HUMANS!!!

Okay. I feel a little better. Not much, but maybe enough for my brain to shut up and let me get back to sleep.

Thanks for reading

My weekend

Saturday we went out to my best friends house and had a little party for Boo. Just our two families and some cake and gifts. Nothing huge. Boo wanted to go to the lake, so after cake and presents we took all 5 kids (our two and their three) to the lake. All the kids had a blast, and since we go to a not so crowded spot where it's mostly just families(not a million teeny tiny giggling teenage girls), I was about as comfortable as one my size can be in public in a swimsuit. We buried all the kids in sand, and a few of the grown ups too. And we got tons of really good pics.

Speaking of pics......I tend to hide from the camera whenever possible. I'm sure you know what I mean. I got up today and pulled all the pics off my digital into the comp so I could send some to far away family, and lo and behold there is some huge person with my red hair that I didn't recognize. I know a lot of people feel that way, My BFF herself says she always has to look twice to be sure it's her in pictures, but I swear it looked like a fat girl ate me. I don't say this to me mean or ugly. I was, and still am to be honest, quite shocked at my size.



The numbers don't register near as much for me as these two snapshots do. I can't believe that this is the thing that people see me as. I feel like I need to go around shouting, THIS ISN'T THE REAL ME!

Just typing it out brings on tears that I haven't cried in I can't remember how long. I've swallowed all the pain and hurt that comes with this obesity for so long that it's hard to let it out now. I'm never ever allowed to say anything negative(be it true or not) about myself or my body. specially around the BFF and my Hunny. I understand why they don't want me to be down on myself, but it also enables me. No one close to me would ever even think about questioning a food choice of mine. It's like it isn't allowed. Kinda like having a disabled friend with you and not parking in the handicapped space cause you don't want to rub it in. Although, in their defense, I have made it that way too.

Take today for example. I have been drinking Sprite Zero for a few months now. My Hunny went out today and I asked him to bring me home a sprite since I was out. I assumed he knew what I meant, but he didn't and brought me a regular one. I told him it was fine, it's not his fault anyway, I shouldn't have assumed, but I guess he felt bad and got all defensive 'cause he was like, well there's sugar in all that crap you usually eat anyway, so why does it matter.

Apparently he hasn't been paying attention. He knows I've been on the bike, he's seen me do it. I know he doesn't pay any attention to what I do or don't eat, but the comment crushed me. Then again, it's not like I've told him anything about what I am doing either. He has no clue that I am trying to lose weight. I never have before. I can't expect his support if I don't ask for it, but if he doesn't know about it, then he won't know when I fail. If I fail, God why am I so negative.

Anyway. Food wise Saturday was crappy. Cake and fast food on the way home 'cause we were crunched for time. But even though I went to the lake, I still did 20 mins on the bike. I haven't been on it today though. The comment from the Hunny took the wind right outta my sails. Maybe I'll finish this post and get at least 15 mins in.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Quickie Post

O.K. its kinda late but I wanted to post really quick. I did 10 mins the am and 20 this pm. Food was kinda iffy today. I was snacky all day. We're having a little party for my son's birthday tomorrow at the lake. Not looking forward to the swimsuit, but it'll be great exercise. Anywho, it's late and I'm pooped.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Doin' the Happy Dance!

I rock. I'm not being a smart ass or anything, but I do. I worked out TWICE today. I did 15 mins on the bike this morning and 20 mins this evening. My plan is to start walking at the church during the day, and then keep doing the bike at night at home. This way I'm doing more than one thing and hopefully I won't get bored so easily. I had a decent food day too. I really want to try to do a program of some kind, but I'm not sure what with my health issues, so right now I'm just trying to be aware of what and how much I eat. Now that I've established my awesomeness....

I really need to get a scale. I don't want to, but I know I need to. They're hard to find and expensive, but it is a tool that I am going to need fairly soon. Anyone know where to look for one that goes over 350lbs?

The bridesmaid dress...... O . M . F . G . do I NOT want to go through this. I am her Maid of Honor, so I get to be front and center next to her. She is beautiful. Right at 6 ft tall (although she'd deny it), and a size 18/20. That sounds big to some, but it suits her height. Of course she thinks she's huge, but...I guess we all do in some way or another. Anyway. The last time I bought a dress was a few months ago for a court appearance (as a witness, not for me, lol), and I had to go to Fashion Bug and get a ......omg I can't bear to type it.... 30/32. .....Now, (pause to freak out and debate not telling ya'll the size) O.K. freak out over. If you've ever been shopping for a formal dress you know my apprehension. Even at David's Bridal the highest size they carry is a 28 and good freakin' luck finding one in the store....Oh, but we can order it for you.. Let's measure you.....w wh wha WHAT??? O.K. skinny sales lady... come near me with that tape measure and D.I.E.!!!

I've found a few (very few) dresses online, but she already has one of the other girls dress paid for and we are supposed to match the color. It's not like I can actually see the color online. You never know till you actually see it. I love her dearly, and I am excited about every other aspect of being her MOH, but this dress issue is killing me. She is very considerate of my weight and she tries her best to help me, but I just wish it wasn't an issue. It takes away from me being able to give her 110%. I have till December, so hopefully we'll be able to find a dress close enough to fitting me and have it altered....OMG visions of measuring tape wielded by Paris Hilton look alike coming my way.... H E L P ......

Thanks for reading
Bean

Lazy day...the story of my life.

Hello, hello. I didn't really get much done today. Now that I blog everyday (or try to anyhow), I notice how very little I do everyday. Boo is in school till 3pm so most of my day is spent here waiting for him to get home. They say that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job ever, and they are right, except for me. I suppose if I got off my tail and did what most moms do everyday then that would be true, but I don't. It amazes me just how much I don't do when I sit and think about it. It's really hard to sit and be this honest and type all this out, but the first step for me to change not only my weight, but my life, is total honesty with myself. I know I'm safe here. It's a blog, and if it gets too deep, I can walk away and recover without having to dodge family or friends. Does that sound really odd?

Anyway, I guess what I need to do is start out slow. I always get all gung ho and decide it's all or nothing. If I can't keep every dish clean and put away all the time, then I just let them sit. If I can't keep ALL the laundry done all the time, then I don't do it till I have too (hence the four and a half hours at the laundromat). I know exactly what I want to do. I can see it in my head and I've even been known to write it out, and then all my steam is gone and blah sets in and I don't actually do anything. It's like if I can't do it perfectly I just don't bother. The problem is that even though I know this about myself, I haven't got the first clue what to do about it.

One of the things that drives me nuts about my mother is that she thinks if she ignores something long enough that it will just go away. I finally realized the other day that the reason that bothers me so much is because I do the exact same thing. How else would I have been able to get to this weight before I actually acted. Most people my size have tried and tried and been yo-yo dieters. Not me - because I never even tried. How sad is that. Sure, I bought a couple of get skinny quick schemes, but I never used any of them. By the time they came in the mail, I was over it. Now, I know that's great for my metabolism, but it's a kick in the face as far as how I feel about the way I've dealt (or haven't dealt) with my life and almost every aspect of it.

I did my 15 on the bike, which I feel really good about. I didn't even wait for my Hunny to go to bed first (so as not to be embarrassed). He didn't say a word. He didn't look at my like I was crazy or anything. I had a decent, but not great, food day. We had pasta for dinner, but I actually ate the portion a normal person would eat and then stopped. That's a huge step for me. I haven't made my self sick and kept eating either. I tend to do that a lot. I can feel myself so full that I want to be sick and I gag it down anyway. But, no more of that. I have to learn to be honest in my heart and listen to my stomach.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Wow! What a weekend.

I'm back, alive and well. I haven't fallen in a pit and I didn't get kidnapped and taken to a tropical island where no whining children were allowed and the men did all the housework and... wait nvm, that was a dream I had. Back to reality... :(

This weekend was insane! I'm so glad we are back to normal now. I haven't posted since Friday, so I'll give you the day by day.

FRIDAY: Well, I got an email back from the lady at the church. Unfortunately their walking group doesn't meet anymore, but I am more than welcome to walk anytime they are open which is from 7am - 9pm Monday to Friday!! WOOT! I'm excited. I plan to go next week sometime and meet with her so she can show me around. I still haven't done the weights. I think maybe I should try to find a video at the library just to show me the right form. Maybe I'm just scared of them...hmmmm.

SATURDAY: Well. Saturday was a pretty good day, except for the pizza for dinner and only 10 mins on the bike. My BFF and I went out looking for a florist for her wedding. Well, we found this little bridal shop hidden away and BAM! she found THE dress. It's perfect for her and fit her perfectly. She doesn't even need any alterations, and thats a huge deal since she's almost 6 foot tall (although she'd say she's 5'11" and a half) After that her sister called (who is being a total witch and having her 'surprise at the last minute' wedding in November) and we had to go out to David's Bridal for her to try on dresses. This gets way complicated, because I really don't care for the sister all that much, and she was a TOTAL BITCH! Anyway, we stopped for pizza :( and that was dinner and I was so damned tired by the time I got home that all I could handle was 10 mins on the bike.

SUNDAY: Can I just say that living in Georgia during a drought and having well water TOTALLY SUCKS! I spent four and a half hours at the laundromat Sunday. Not to mention the time at home putting it away (which still isn't finished). After I got out of there, I had to drive my mom to the hospital for her sleep study. She has sleep apnea and they were fitting her for a C-Pap machine. I did my 15 mins, but I was damn well not happy about it.

MONDAY: Well the thing about Monday was that I had to get up at 4am to pick up my mom at 5am. Getting up at 4am any day is a bummer, but Lobar Day :(( I came home and went right back to bed and my sweet wonderful Hunny let me sleep until like 10 am. I went to the grocery store and then we watched some movies with the boys, returned some to Blockbuster, and did pretty much nothing all day. I didn't even look at the bike. Getting up at 4am was exercise enough, lol.

TODAY: Well I ate stuff that wasn't brown today. I know that sounds odd, but for me it is an accomplishment. The only thing I had today that was brown was the whole wheat bread I bought at the store. I'm not doing anything specific, just trying to cut the sugar and white flour. It's what I'm supposed to be doing anyway for the diabetes. I'm going to do my 15 on the bike as soon as I get off here. I meant to get it done earlier, but I forgot Boo (my nic for the 7 year old) had baseball practice.

All in all I guess I didn't do too bad for a very hectic holiday weekend.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Tired of bitching....sort of.

I am done. Done wallowing in this nastiness. And I can prove it too. I pulled out the stationary bike, set it up in the living room, and did 15:10 minutes today. I probably could have done 20 if my ass hadn't been as sore as the day I thought I could sass my Nanny in front of my Papa when I was 6 years old. That thing might have a maximum capacity of 350lbs (I didn't break it, so they underestimated the number) but that seat was not made for a person with an ample....well, seat.

I know I could walk, but I can't bring myself to walk here in my neighborhood, or anywhere else in public for that matter. Call me vain, whatever. I did find a church here in town with a walking track in their gym/family center. I emailed the lady to ask about a walking club they have there. Hopefully I can participate without being sucked into the cult that is the southern methodist church congregation.

Now, before I get trashed for not believing, I do believe. I am a very spiritual person, But, IMHO spirituality and religion are not one and the same.

I can't really do a lot about the food situation as we are digging out of a financial hole and at the moment we are B-R-O-K-E. But one step at a time. Here I go.

BTW, Anyone know a good website to show good form with free weights? I have some 3 lb (shush, I'm a sissy) dumbbells, but I'm afraid I'll do something wrong since I've never done weights before. I'm hoping at least to tone up my upper arms for a wedding in December in which I am the Maid of Honor(more on this problem later).

Thanks for reading
Bean

A not so short history of my weight gain.

My son's seventh birthday is today. Wow! I can't believe my baby is seven. He is so smart and so handsome. I couldn't be prouder. I love that boy more than words can say. However, overshadowing my pride in my son is my disgust at myself....and what I have become in those seven years.

I have been heavy for as long as I can remember, and I mean that literally. I've seen pictures of myself at five or six years old where I was what you'd call normal, but I don't remember ever being that way. Normal I mean. I struggled with this all my life. I was that girl in school that everyone made fun of. Now, I know that EVERYONE was laughed at at one time or another, but I was that girl daily. Always excluded from everything. Never asked to participate in anything, ever. I didn't have a "friend" at all until 5th grade. And, to tell you the truth, we could barely tolerate each other. But we were both outcasts, so we stuck together. I haven't spoken to her since we started junior high in 6th grade and she had transformed herself into one of the popular kids over the summer.

Junior high wasn't much better, but I managed. I actually met a few girls who accepted me. I suppose at 12 I weighed about 200lbs. At 5'6" I was big, but not huge....yet. I ate my way through junior high and started my freshman year in high school at 5'8" and weighing in at 250lbs give or take 5 lbs. I didn't last long. The 2 or 3 girlfriends that got me through junior high weren't in any of my classes so it was like starting all over, and I couldn't hack it. I turned 16 that January, and by February, I had convinced my mother to withdraw me from school. She said I had until my eighteenth birthday to hand her my G.E.D. or move out. She got it a month after my 17th birthday.

I tell this story because in the year it took me to get that G.E.D. I grew up a lot. I got comfortable with myself and who I was. I wasn't exactly thrilled about my body at 250 lbs, but I didn't spend every waking hour waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me either. I started to actually live my life. I met my (now ex) husband, got married and started college(I only finished 2 semesters but that's another blog). I was barely 18 when we got married(again, another blog, lol). At 19, in December of 1999, I found out we were pregnant. I was ecstatic! I had been concerned that maybe because of my weight and irregular cycle that I couldn't conceive.

I weighed 254lbs at my first OB appointment. I was at 266lbs at my last one. I only gained 12lbs during the entire pregnancy. Don't worry, he was full term and 6lbs4oz. The Dr. said it was quite common for a "heavyset"(God, I loved that doctor) woman to lose fat in their own bodies while the baby gains weight. I was so relieved. I was completely comfortable in my body at 250lbs. I could walk, run, go anywhere, do anything I wanted to do. My weight didn't stop me from living my life. I took my brand new baby, and a shot of Depo-Provera in the arm, and went home.

I don't know if it was the Depo-Provera, the lack of sleep and time to take care of myself, the stress on my marriage at the time, still eating for two, my failure at breastfeeding, or a combination thereof, but here I am seven years later at at least 350lbs. My son is the boy with the fat mommy. Right now, it doesn't matter, but I know as he gets older, it will be an issue with the other kids at school. I've never yo-yo dieted, I've bought lots of weight loss crap(6 week body makeover, 'breathing' cardio, etc.) but I never so much as get them out of the box. I do have the Walkaway the Pounds for Abs video set, and I used it about twice. I still have it and I actually dug it out yesterday, but I haven't put it in the VCR yet.

I just want to be able to live my life again. I want to be able to volunteer at my son's school without being afraid of embarrassing him. I want to sit in the stands and cheer him on at his baseball games without worrying about people staring at me. I want my son to be proud that I am his mother.

Thanks for reading
Bean

Brutal Honesty

I am horribly lazy. I am the complete stereotypical fat girl. I'm completely depressed, lazy as hell, and I don't take care of myself. I am ashamed of it, terribly ashamed. And yet, here I am. I did absolutely nothing today. I spent most of my day either dozing on the couch, or stuffing my face with crap. This house is so disgusting that if company called and told me they were on their way to my house, I'd end up in a full blown panic attack.

What really kills me, is the fact that I really have no right to be this way. My life might not be a 24/7 party, but I have it pretty good. I have a man who loves me more than I probably deserve. I have my boys. I have a roof over my head, and people in my life that love me dearly. And yet....here I am, wallowing in self pity. Poor me, the sad lazy fat girl.

I have been sitting here trying to talk myself out of erasing everything I just typed. It's so much easier to put on the smile like I do in real life. But, that won't get me anywhere. One of my girlfriends says I just need some motivation. Well, I wish I knew where to get some that didn't wear off before I even got started. I get all gung ho and figure out exactly what to do and then I DON'T DO IT! I suppose I'm still contemplating all of it. I just feel sometimes like I'm stuck in this loop that never ends.

I promise, I'm not always this negative. Although I have been in this particular funk for quite awhile.

Thanks for reading
Bean

My Dad.

Well, I usually wouldn't start out by talking about my dad, but he called me today. I hadn't heard from him in almost a year. Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday, my birthday, fathers day, and countless other important dates have passes since I last heard from him. In all actuality, he lives about 10 minutes from me, and I bet he hasn't seen my son in at least 2 years. I don't usually think about my relationship with him a lot. He is very withdrawn from life and depressed, and it's hard to maintain a relationship with him and not fall into the same habits. I start to call, then I feel like an ass cause it's been so long since I last called, so I don't. He and I go back and forth about who should call who. It makes absolutely no sense to me, but we do it all the time.

This is where I decide just how personal I want to get with this blog.....My father is an alcoholic. He is also Transgendered. He believes he should have been born a woman. I'm not really sure how I feel about this because I've never let myself digest it emotionally. I am the only person in our family that does not automatically judge him for it. No one, not even his own mother, can accept it. Most of the family thinks he is some sort of sick pedophile pervert, which is not the case. I can deal with it from a logical standpoint, but I am very detached from it.

My fathers sobriety has always been more important than his gender to me. I have seen him struggle with alcohol all of my life. He was never a violent or angry drunk, but he wasn't exactly fun to be around either. It's one of the things that makes me thankful that my parents divorced when I was two. I think it would have been a lot harder if I had had to deal with an alcoholic parent day in and day out instead of every other weekend.

Unfortunately, at this point in his life, he is living off his retirement and it isn't going well. He's very solitary, never goes out, and I think the only person he ever really talks to is me, and as I said earlier, that isn't much. I don't mean to isolate him from my life, but there are lots of complications. For one, he still drinks. You never really know what kind of mood he will be in till you get there, and I swore I would never let my son see what I had to see as a child. Secondly, there is the gender thing. My dad wants to someday have an operation to become a woman, however, because his alcoholism has kept him from keeping a job, he does not now, and will probably never have the ability to do so. He does his best to live as a woman. He dresses as a woman, and on the rare occasion that he does go out, he does so as a woman. The problem is that, well, there is no nice way to say this, he doesn't pull it off very well. He hasn't been on his hormones because he can't afford them, and that makes the fact that he is actually male painfully obvious.

Now, this doesn't bother me as far as the rest of the world, but it does make it difficult to explain to my son. Last time he saw my dad, he wasn't old enough to even wonder, but he will be 7 in two days. I don't have the first clue how to explain this to him. Dad said today that if I need him to be sober for us to come see him that he would do that because he really wants to see his grandson. I am fine with that, I think it's awesome! Bot how do I have a conversation with him to explain to him that my dad is basically a woman.

I'm going to close with this. I do not need to hear comments about how you think my father is immoral and evil and going to hell. I respect your opinion and respectfully ask you to but the fuck out :) Other than that, any and all comments and suggestions are welcome.

Thank's for reading and sorry if I blew your mind
Bean

Well, wasn't that cute...

So, I had a cute first post, and then......zip, zilch, nada. Boy am I ever a letdown to the blogging community. :| Honestly, I haven't decided what on earth to blog about. I tend to think I'm more clever than I actually am, which can be dangerous when writing in a public forum.

I recently stumbled upon (or fatefully discovered, or was led by God, depending on your life philosophy) a popular weight loss blog called Half of Me. This spiraled into me devouring months and months of archives to catch up, and a new addiction to blog reading thanks to all the links to the blogs that she herself reads.

Reading about these weight loss journeys has given me a different outlook on my own battle with my weight. I now have hope. It's easy to find someone who has lost 10, 20 or even 50lbs, and that's awesome for them, but quite daunting to a girl who, at 27 years old, and 5'8", weighs in at somewhere over 350lbs. I'd love to give you an actual weight, but scales that go that high are hard to find, expensive, and I'm poor.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm going to blog about loosing weight. I don't even have a plan of action yet. But, it's in the works as we speak. I'm one of those people who has to plan and research and figure out a strategy. My best friend would call me out right now and say that I'm stalling. One of the reasons I love her so much....sometimes. :) Anyway, I suppose we shall see what happens!

The way I see it.

I'm not here for any agenda. I'm not here to 'hook up'. I'm here to vent, whine, moan, complain, rejoice, sing, or even preach if I so desire. If you don't like it, don't read it, I'm sure you have much better things to do. And if you do like it, well ..... ROCK ON!

Much love,
Bean