My weekend

Saturday we went out to my best friends house and had a little party for Boo. Just our two families and some cake and gifts. Nothing huge. Boo wanted to go to the lake, so after cake and presents we took all 5 kids (our two and their three) to the lake. All the kids had a blast, and since we go to a not so crowded spot where it's mostly just families(not a million teeny tiny giggling teenage girls), I was about as comfortable as one my size can be in public in a swimsuit. We buried all the kids in sand, and a few of the grown ups too. And we got tons of really good pics.

Speaking of pics......I tend to hide from the camera whenever possible. I'm sure you know what I mean. I got up today and pulled all the pics off my digital into the comp so I could send some to far away family, and lo and behold there is some huge person with my red hair that I didn't recognize. I know a lot of people feel that way, My BFF herself says she always has to look twice to be sure it's her in pictures, but I swear it looked like a fat girl ate me. I don't say this to me mean or ugly. I was, and still am to be honest, quite shocked at my size.



The numbers don't register near as much for me as these two snapshots do. I can't believe that this is the thing that people see me as. I feel like I need to go around shouting, THIS ISN'T THE REAL ME!

Just typing it out brings on tears that I haven't cried in I can't remember how long. I've swallowed all the pain and hurt that comes with this obesity for so long that it's hard to let it out now. I'm never ever allowed to say anything negative(be it true or not) about myself or my body. specially around the BFF and my Hunny. I understand why they don't want me to be down on myself, but it also enables me. No one close to me would ever even think about questioning a food choice of mine. It's like it isn't allowed. Kinda like having a disabled friend with you and not parking in the handicapped space cause you don't want to rub it in. Although, in their defense, I have made it that way too.

Take today for example. I have been drinking Sprite Zero for a few months now. My Hunny went out today and I asked him to bring me home a sprite since I was out. I assumed he knew what I meant, but he didn't and brought me a regular one. I told him it was fine, it's not his fault anyway, I shouldn't have assumed, but I guess he felt bad and got all defensive 'cause he was like, well there's sugar in all that crap you usually eat anyway, so why does it matter.

Apparently he hasn't been paying attention. He knows I've been on the bike, he's seen me do it. I know he doesn't pay any attention to what I do or don't eat, but the comment crushed me. Then again, it's not like I've told him anything about what I am doing either. He has no clue that I am trying to lose weight. I never have before. I can't expect his support if I don't ask for it, but if he doesn't know about it, then he won't know when I fail. If I fail, God why am I so negative.

Anyway. Food wise Saturday was crappy. Cake and fast food on the way home 'cause we were crunched for time. But even though I went to the lake, I still did 20 mins on the bike. I haven't been on it today though. The comment from the Hunny took the wind right outta my sails. Maybe I'll finish this post and get at least 15 mins in.

Thanks for reading
Bean