Lazy day...the story of my life.

Hello, hello. I didn't really get much done today. Now that I blog everyday (or try to anyhow), I notice how very little I do everyday. Boo is in school till 3pm so most of my day is spent here waiting for him to get home. They say that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job ever, and they are right, except for me. I suppose if I got off my tail and did what most moms do everyday then that would be true, but I don't. It amazes me just how much I don't do when I sit and think about it. It's really hard to sit and be this honest and type all this out, but the first step for me to change not only my weight, but my life, is total honesty with myself. I know I'm safe here. It's a blog, and if it gets too deep, I can walk away and recover without having to dodge family or friends. Does that sound really odd?

Anyway, I guess what I need to do is start out slow. I always get all gung ho and decide it's all or nothing. If I can't keep every dish clean and put away all the time, then I just let them sit. If I can't keep ALL the laundry done all the time, then I don't do it till I have too (hence the four and a half hours at the laundromat). I know exactly what I want to do. I can see it in my head and I've even been known to write it out, and then all my steam is gone and blah sets in and I don't actually do anything. It's like if I can't do it perfectly I just don't bother. The problem is that even though I know this about myself, I haven't got the first clue what to do about it.

One of the things that drives me nuts about my mother is that she thinks if she ignores something long enough that it will just go away. I finally realized the other day that the reason that bothers me so much is because I do the exact same thing. How else would I have been able to get to this weight before I actually acted. Most people my size have tried and tried and been yo-yo dieters. Not me - because I never even tried. How sad is that. Sure, I bought a couple of get skinny quick schemes, but I never used any of them. By the time they came in the mail, I was over it. Now, I know that's great for my metabolism, but it's a kick in the face as far as how I feel about the way I've dealt (or haven't dealt) with my life and almost every aspect of it.

I did my 15 on the bike, which I feel really good about. I didn't even wait for my Hunny to go to bed first (so as not to be embarrassed). He didn't say a word. He didn't look at my like I was crazy or anything. I had a decent, but not great, food day. We had pasta for dinner, but I actually ate the portion a normal person would eat and then stopped. That's a huge step for me. I haven't made my self sick and kept eating either. I tend to do that a lot. I can feel myself so full that I want to be sick and I gag it down anyway. But, no more of that. I have to learn to be honest in my heart and listen to my stomach.

Thanks for reading
Bean