I am always exhausted. I get up at 6:30 am to put Boo on the bus. Since I've been trying to do better things for me, I've been staying up instead of going back to bed. I constantly feel like I need a nap, but then I feel lazy for taking one. I managed not to fall asleep today, but my food intake was more than it was yesterday. About 400 calories more. I also only managed 10 mins on the bike. Maybe I should just resign myself to being a napper. Anyway, sorry for the short post, but, like I said, I am wiped. I think I may go ahead and go to bed.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Tag I'm it.
O.K. I've seen this floating around and I had hoped that I was newbie enough to dodge it, lol. But Miss Twix has gotten me. I tried to duck, but she's pretty good.
8 random things about me....(everything about me is random, lol.)
1. I have a cat named Gizmo. Yes, Gizmo, as in the cute little mogwai in Gremlins. I am a certified dork.
2. I secretly adore my hair color. I spent a lot of my childhood hating it, but now I LOVE it.(it's very red)
3. I am completely addicted to Star Trek Enterprise. I never watched it when it originally aired, but we religiously record 4 episodes every Monday on Sci-Fi. (Again Me = Superdork!)
4. I cried when Gilmore Girls ended. Not just the awww how sweet cry, but the OMG I'm devastated my show is over.
5. If I hear one more interview of an accomplished actress being asked what they think about Lindsay or Brittney instead of about themselves and their work I think I will SCREAM!
6. I am what you'd call a flaming liberal, but two of my dearest friends are conservative republicans. So is my Hunny's family. Go figure.
7. I have to force myself to be honest every time I post here. I am terrified that I will say the wrong thing and be judged.
8. I'm not tagging anyone because I'm afraid they will think of me as that annoying person that assumes she knows them well enough to do it. I don't feel that way, I love answering these things, but I'm coping out since I'm new. Thank you Twix for tagging me. To tell the complete truth, I was ecstatic that someone included me. (seeing a pattern of dorkiness yet, lol)
Thanks for reading
Bean
8 random things about me....(everything about me is random, lol.)
1. I have a cat named Gizmo. Yes, Gizmo, as in the cute little mogwai in Gremlins. I am a certified dork.
2. I secretly adore my hair color. I spent a lot of my childhood hating it, but now I LOVE it.(it's very red)
3. I am completely addicted to Star Trek Enterprise. I never watched it when it originally aired, but we religiously record 4 episodes every Monday on Sci-Fi. (Again Me = Superdork!)
4. I cried when Gilmore Girls ended. Not just the awww how sweet cry, but the OMG I'm devastated my show is over.
5. If I hear one more interview of an accomplished actress being asked what they think about Lindsay or Brittney instead of about themselves and their work I think I will SCREAM!
6. I am what you'd call a flaming liberal, but two of my dearest friends are conservative republicans. So is my Hunny's family. Go figure.
7. I have to force myself to be honest every time I post here. I am terrified that I will say the wrong thing and be judged.
8. I'm not tagging anyone because I'm afraid they will think of me as that annoying person that assumes she knows them well enough to do it. I don't feel that way, I love answering these things, but I'm coping out since I'm new. Thank you Twix for tagging me. To tell the complete truth, I was ecstatic that someone included me. (seeing a pattern of dorkiness yet, lol)
Thanks for reading
Bean
Monday, September 10, 2007
The grocery store.
Yep, today was it. I had put it off as long as humanly possible. I went to the grocery store today. It's my first trip since I decided to make all of these changes. I don't think I was as prepared as I should have been, but it could have been so much worse. I stuck mostly to the outer walls. I read that helped somewhere. It did actually. I got a lot more produce than I normally would, and I bought an acorn squash. I've had it before, but I've never made it. It says I can do it in the microwave, so I'm gonna try that so I don't have to heat up the house. I got some zucchini too, but I haven't the slightest clue what to do with it.
The hardest thing was finding sugar free stuff. I can find all the fat free crap on the planet, but trying to find stuff that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient is a pain in the ass. I was so looking forward to those sugar free fudge pops....no such luck. Fat free ones all day long, but no sugar free. Not even in the store brand. Jell-O needs to make those pudding pops out of the sugar free pudding. OMG that would be heaven. I debated my bread choice for a good eight minutes, and I finally found one with honey as the only sugar ingredient, and only whole wheat flour too, so that's a plus. I've limited myself to a maximum of two slices per day. That's a huge step for me. I am a bread and butter girl. Grocery shopping was definitely a challenge since I'm not really following and particular food plan. Right now I'm just playing it by ear.
I got 20 mins in on the bike. I wanted to try and make up for yesterday, but after 20 mins parts of my lower body that I didn't even know could fall asleep, did. I still haven't made it out to the church track. I guess I'm just a chicken.
I've also been looking into attending an Overeater's Anonymous meeting. There is one at the hospital (which, ironically, is 2 buildings away from the church). My biggest fear is running into someone there that knows me. It sounds so irrational. If they are there and running into me, they're probably more worried about what I'm thinking. Who knows. I have untill Friday to decide.
Thanks for reading
Bean
The hardest thing was finding sugar free stuff. I can find all the fat free crap on the planet, but trying to find stuff that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient is a pain in the ass. I was so looking forward to those sugar free fudge pops....no such luck. Fat free ones all day long, but no sugar free. Not even in the store brand. Jell-O needs to make those pudding pops out of the sugar free pudding. OMG that would be heaven. I debated my bread choice for a good eight minutes, and I finally found one with honey as the only sugar ingredient, and only whole wheat flour too, so that's a plus. I've limited myself to a maximum of two slices per day. That's a huge step for me. I am a bread and butter girl. Grocery shopping was definitely a challenge since I'm not really following and particular food plan. Right now I'm just playing it by ear.
I got 20 mins in on the bike. I wanted to try and make up for yesterday, but after 20 mins parts of my lower body that I didn't even know could fall asleep, did. I still haven't made it out to the church track. I guess I'm just a chicken.
I've also been looking into attending an Overeater's Anonymous meeting. There is one at the hospital (which, ironically, is 2 buildings away from the church). My biggest fear is running into someone there that knows me. It sounds so irrational. If they are there and running into me, they're probably more worried about what I'm thinking. Who knows. I have untill Friday to decide.
Thanks for reading
Bean
The Jena Six (A completly opinionated post)
If you have not heard about this story, please read about it. It should be on everyone's mind.
I realize that it's 2:11 am. I also know most sane people are fast asleep right now, but this is literally keeping me up tonight. I cannot shake this story. I live in the south. This story and every story like it make me ashamed to live where I live. It makes me afraid to raise my son here. It's hard to teach your child love, acceptance, and community when they seem to be surrounded by hatred, bigotry, and injustice. I wept as I read about these young people. And then I was angered by the fact that the country would rather talk about how late Brittney Spears stayed out and who she was with. I want to SCREAM!
It's like the Holocaust. Ask any American child over the age of 12 and they know exactly what the holocaust is. They know what a concentration camp is. But ask them about Americas internment of the Japanese-Americans during WWII. Good luck. We like to talk about what Germany and Hitler did cause it makes us look good, but what we did?? Ohhh shush about that. It's not important. Now, I know that we weren't killing those people and the two things are not in any way identical, but it's the best example I have at two in the morning. We, as a country and sometimes as individuals, criticize and critique everyone else's behavior, and yet here we are, locking up high school kids over a fight that never should have been in the first place. That's how we resolve things??? Take a side and squash the opposition??? There should be no sides in this situation. The only correct position to be in is the one where it doesn't matter who the fuck sits under what tree because we are all HUMANS!!!
Okay. I feel a little better. Not much, but maybe enough for my brain to shut up and let me get back to sleep.
Thanks for reading
I realize that it's 2:11 am. I also know most sane people are fast asleep right now, but this is literally keeping me up tonight. I cannot shake this story. I live in the south. This story and every story like it make me ashamed to live where I live. It makes me afraid to raise my son here. It's hard to teach your child love, acceptance, and community when they seem to be surrounded by hatred, bigotry, and injustice. I wept as I read about these young people. And then I was angered by the fact that the country would rather talk about how late Brittney Spears stayed out and who she was with. I want to SCREAM!
It's like the Holocaust. Ask any American child over the age of 12 and they know exactly what the holocaust is. They know what a concentration camp is. But ask them about Americas internment of the Japanese-Americans during WWII. Good luck. We like to talk about what Germany and Hitler did cause it makes us look good, but what we did?? Ohhh shush about that. It's not important. Now, I know that we weren't killing those people and the two things are not in any way identical, but it's the best example I have at two in the morning. We, as a country and sometimes as individuals, criticize and critique everyone else's behavior, and yet here we are, locking up high school kids over a fight that never should have been in the first place. That's how we resolve things??? Take a side and squash the opposition??? There should be no sides in this situation. The only correct position to be in is the one where it doesn't matter who the fuck sits under what tree because we are all HUMANS!!!
Okay. I feel a little better. Not much, but maybe enough for my brain to shut up and let me get back to sleep.
Thanks for reading
Sunday, September 9, 2007
My weekend
Saturday we went out to my best friends house and had a little party for Boo. Just our two families and some cake and gifts. Nothing huge. Boo wanted to go to the lake, so after cake and presents we took all 5 kids (our two and their three) to the lake. All the kids had a blast, and since we go to a not so crowded spot where it's mostly just families(not a million teeny tiny giggling teenage girls), I was about as comfortable as one my size can be in public in a swimsuit. We buried all the kids in sand, and a few of the grown ups too. And we got tons of really good pics.
Speaking of pics......I tend to hide from the camera whenever possible. I'm sure you know what I mean. I got up today and pulled all the pics off my digital into the comp so I could send some to far away family, and lo and behold there is some huge person with my red hair that I didn't recognize. I know a lot of people feel that way, My BFF herself says she always has to look twice to be sure it's her in pictures, but I swear it looked like a fat girl ate me. I don't say this to me mean or ugly. I was, and still am to be honest, quite shocked at my size.
The numbers don't register near as much for me as these two snapshots do. I can't believe that this is the thing that people see me as. I feel like I need to go around shouting, THIS ISN'T THE REAL ME!
Just typing it out brings on tears that I haven't cried in I can't remember how long. I've swallowed all the pain and hurt that comes with this obesity for so long that it's hard to let it out now. I'm never ever allowed to say anything negative(be it true or not) about myself or my body. specially around the BFF and my Hunny. I understand why they don't want me to be down on myself, but it also enables me. No one close to me would ever even think about questioning a food choice of mine. It's like it isn't allowed. Kinda like having a disabled friend with you and not parking in the handicapped space cause you don't want to rub it in. Although, in their defense, I have made it that way too.
Take today for example. I have been drinking Sprite Zero for a few months now. My Hunny went out today and I asked him to bring me home a sprite since I was out. I assumed he knew what I meant, but he didn't and brought me a regular one. I told him it was fine, it's not his fault anyway, I shouldn't have assumed, but I guess he felt bad and got all defensive 'cause he was like, well there's sugar in all that crap you usually eat anyway, so why does it matter.
Apparently he hasn't been paying attention. He knows I've been on the bike, he's seen me do it. I know he doesn't pay any attention to what I do or don't eat, but the comment crushed me. Then again, it's not like I've told him anything about what I am doing either. He has no clue that I am trying to lose weight. I never have before. I can't expect his support if I don't ask for it, but if he doesn't know about it, then he won't know when I fail. If I fail, God why am I so negative.
Anyway. Food wise Saturday was crappy. Cake and fast food on the way home 'cause we were crunched for time. But even though I went to the lake, I still did 20 mins on the bike. I haven't been on it today though. The comment from the Hunny took the wind right outta my sails. Maybe I'll finish this post and get at least 15 mins in.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Speaking of pics......I tend to hide from the camera whenever possible. I'm sure you know what I mean. I got up today and pulled all the pics off my digital into the comp so I could send some to far away family, and lo and behold there is some huge person with my red hair that I didn't recognize. I know a lot of people feel that way, My BFF herself says she always has to look twice to be sure it's her in pictures, but I swear it looked like a fat girl ate me. I don't say this to me mean or ugly. I was, and still am to be honest, quite shocked at my size.
The numbers don't register near as much for me as these two snapshots do. I can't believe that this is the thing that people see me as. I feel like I need to go around shouting, THIS ISN'T THE REAL ME!
Just typing it out brings on tears that I haven't cried in I can't remember how long. I've swallowed all the pain and hurt that comes with this obesity for so long that it's hard to let it out now. I'm never ever allowed to say anything negative(be it true or not) about myself or my body. specially around the BFF and my Hunny. I understand why they don't want me to be down on myself, but it also enables me. No one close to me would ever even think about questioning a food choice of mine. It's like it isn't allowed. Kinda like having a disabled friend with you and not parking in the handicapped space cause you don't want to rub it in. Although, in their defense, I have made it that way too.
Take today for example. I have been drinking Sprite Zero for a few months now. My Hunny went out today and I asked him to bring me home a sprite since I was out. I assumed he knew what I meant, but he didn't and brought me a regular one. I told him it was fine, it's not his fault anyway, I shouldn't have assumed, but I guess he felt bad and got all defensive 'cause he was like, well there's sugar in all that crap you usually eat anyway, so why does it matter.
Apparently he hasn't been paying attention. He knows I've been on the bike, he's seen me do it. I know he doesn't pay any attention to what I do or don't eat, but the comment crushed me. Then again, it's not like I've told him anything about what I am doing either. He has no clue that I am trying to lose weight. I never have before. I can't expect his support if I don't ask for it, but if he doesn't know about it, then he won't know when I fail. If I fail, God why am I so negative.
Anyway. Food wise Saturday was crappy. Cake and fast food on the way home 'cause we were crunched for time. But even though I went to the lake, I still did 20 mins on the bike. I haven't been on it today though. The comment from the Hunny took the wind right outta my sails. Maybe I'll finish this post and get at least 15 mins in.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Friday, September 7, 2007
Quickie Post
O.K. its kinda late but I wanted to post really quick. I did 10 mins the am and 20 this pm. Food was kinda iffy today. I was snacky all day. We're having a little party for my son's birthday tomorrow at the lake. Not looking forward to the swimsuit, but it'll be great exercise. Anywho, it's late and I'm pooped.
Thanks for reading
Bean
Thanks for reading
Bean
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Doin' the Happy Dance!
I rock. I'm not being a smart ass or anything, but I do. I worked out TWICE today. I did 15 mins on the bike this morning and 20 mins this evening. My plan is to start walking at the church during the day, and then keep doing the bike at night at home. This way I'm doing more than one thing and hopefully I won't get bored so easily. I had a decent food day too. I really want to try to do a program of some kind, but I'm not sure what with my health issues, so right now I'm just trying to be aware of what and how much I eat. Now that I've established my awesomeness....
I really need to get a scale. I don't want to, but I know I need to. They're hard to find and expensive, but it is a tool that I am going to need fairly soon. Anyone know where to look for one that goes over 350lbs?
The bridesmaid dress...... O . M . F . G . do I NOT want to go through this. I am her Maid of Honor, so I get to be front and center next to her. She is beautiful. Right at 6 ft tall (although she'd deny it), and a size 18/20. That sounds big to some, but it suits her height. Of course she thinks she's huge, but...I guess we all do in some way or another. Anyway. The last time I bought a dress was a few months ago for a court appearance (as a witness, not for me, lol), and I had to go to Fashion Bug and get a ......omg I can't bear to type it.... 30/32. .....Now, (pause to freak out and debate not telling ya'll the size) O.K. freak out over. If you've ever been shopping for a formal dress you know my apprehension. Even at David's Bridal the highest size they carry is a 28 and good freakin' luck finding one in the store....Oh, but we can order it for you.. Let's measure you.....w wh wha WHAT??? O.K. skinny sales lady... come near me with that tape measure and D.I.E.!!!
I've found a few (very few) dresses online, but she already has one of the other girls dress paid for and we are supposed to match the color. It's not like I can actually see the color online. You never know till you actually see it. I love her dearly, and I am excited about every other aspect of being her MOH, but this dress issue is killing me. She is very considerate of my weight and she tries her best to help me, but I just wish it wasn't an issue. It takes away from me being able to give her 110%. I have till December, so hopefully we'll be able to find a dress close enough to fitting me and have it altered....OMG visions of measuring tape wielded by Paris Hilton look alike coming my way.... H E L P ......
Thanks for reading
Bean
I really need to get a scale. I don't want to, but I know I need to. They're hard to find and expensive, but it is a tool that I am going to need fairly soon. Anyone know where to look for one that goes over 350lbs?
The bridesmaid dress...... O . M . F . G . do I NOT want to go through this. I am her Maid of Honor, so I get to be front and center next to her. She is beautiful. Right at 6 ft tall (although she'd deny it), and a size 18/20. That sounds big to some, but it suits her height. Of course she thinks she's huge, but...I guess we all do in some way or another. Anyway. The last time I bought a dress was a few months ago for a court appearance (as a witness, not for me, lol), and I had to go to Fashion Bug and get a ......omg I can't bear to type it.... 30/32. .....Now, (pause to freak out and debate not telling ya'll the size) O.K. freak out over. If you've ever been shopping for a formal dress you know my apprehension. Even at David's Bridal the highest size they carry is a 28 and good freakin' luck finding one in the store....Oh, but we can order it for you.. Let's measure you.....w wh wha WHAT??? O.K. skinny sales lady... come near me with that tape measure and D.I.E.!!!
I've found a few (very few) dresses online, but she already has one of the other girls dress paid for and we are supposed to match the color. It's not like I can actually see the color online. You never know till you actually see it. I love her dearly, and I am excited about every other aspect of being her MOH, but this dress issue is killing me. She is very considerate of my weight and she tries her best to help me, but I just wish it wasn't an issue. It takes away from me being able to give her 110%. I have till December, so hopefully we'll be able to find a dress close enough to fitting me and have it altered....OMG visions of measuring tape wielded by Paris Hilton look alike coming my way.... H E L P ......
Thanks for reading
Bean
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